"You've grown up"

Are my friend's words to me as we sit eating our extremely heavy "does this have 1000 calories in it or what?" pad thai.

"What???" is my response, seeing as it has only been 6 months since I last saw my friend who can not stop gushing how this place is SO much better than the east coast, because we have Asian food, and lots of it, after all. (As well as Asian people, to eat the food..)
"Yeah, you sound more confident"
"uhhhhhh. whatever." I don't believe it. Probably just bad memory. Supposedly, it's like exponential growth. That would be nice, if it were true, but I don't think so. "I'm a mess." We're all messes, is my reply. What can we do? Grow. Grow?? Yeah, you know, the life of God starts as a seed within us and needs to be watered to grow. But I don't say that. I would've, if it were a screen to screen conversation, because I'm chicken like that.

"I'm thinking of minoring in piano performance"
"WHY?" For some reason, I react to everything that comes out. Me? Grown up? Sure...

... thus ensues ...

".. Chopin Nocturnes.." my friend says with disgust. "You would like something like that.. all dreamy and stuff... Bach is so much better than Brahms"
"No he's not!" I'm loyal to Brahms.
"I take it back, you haven't changed at all."

So I tried to push this guy in a wheelchair over a bump out of a store today.
"Do you need help?"
He says something I can't understand. He probably has some brain damage in the area of speech, like what I learned in COG SCI 1! .. fun times.
Anyway, so I try, right? I don't think a bump should be that hard to wheel the poor guy over, but ..
The funny thing is, I COULDN'T DO IT. I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH??

... so I try again, *push* but the chair is not going over the hump.. I'm pretty sure I need help. "Sorry!" ...

then some other guy comes up to us and takes over the wheelchair while I resume my phone conversation with Esther...

I bought a journal today at Pegasus. It's quite colorful and different. I think I'm going to use it to chronicle the summer trip. We leave tomorrow. The ride is 10 hours straight tomorrow, and I'M SO SCARED.

Conclusions

I've come to the conclusion that maybe my initial conclusion was wrong. Maybe there's nothing further to be done. Maybe it's not a "given", and I'm just being led to believe that it is.


emspin2800: you know
2:32 PM i rediscovered how much i enjoy piano
and chopin's etudes are bomb
2:33 PM me: finally
2:34 PM you give chopni the credit he deserves
emspin2800: dude
2:35 PM guy totally discredited himself with the nocturnes
the etudes are a small redemption
vindication
me: hahahaha
emspin2800: lol
dude
etudes are awesome
i like op 10. no 5.
hecka asian

summer days.

Esther

umm

what he's likeee

Grace

mmm

i'm not sure

he's mysterious

he's funny

he's smart

haha

i dunnnno

u can meet him when we get married

Esther

HAHAHA

can i quote that

Misunderstandings

"Most of the trouble in life comes from misunderstanding, I think," said Anne.

heh..heh.
(speaking of vague)

tried to practice piano today. i'm rusty.

made an apron today. was so freaking bored while making said apron and very tired. i don't think i wanna sew for a living. sewed on center pocket very off-centered. will fix tomorrow by adding some sort of decoration to balance the lop-sidedness.

i'm nervous for working and this summer.

Anne with an E

Anne of the Island. I've literally read this book possibly a hundred times, and I never get bored of it. Now that I'm actually a sophomore in college, some things make more sense to me, I read differently.. and Anne.. she's probably the one character in a novel that I most closely identify with. "spiteful old cats!" It's really weird, actually.. but her thought process almost matches mine exactly and the way she approaches things. to be utterly vague because if i am specific enough, i get myself in a lot of trouble.. and i think i should know that by now. should. i've noticed that i don't learn from my mistakes very well. it's 1 am.

life is really weird. everything keeps changing. God is FAITHFUL. i can't get over this, looking at where i was, the thoughts running through my head, Henna's words of comfort that i wasn't sure i could quite believe.. and where i am now.. that is.. in front of the screen at home in a state of.. well, somewhat calm. though, i feel like i haven't grown much, or maybe i'm just more conscious of that frustration which leads to more frustration.

take home. i easily am annoyed with my brother 3/4ths of the time i am with him. but it doesn't phase me cause i'm so used to being annoyed by him. not that this is a positive thing, just an observation.

me:
if i just follow God..
He'll take care of it
ezstarr: yeah
ezstarr: isn't it nice having simple ppl who know what they're talking about
hahaha
me: yeah
hahahahaha.

..

im..so..confused.

Home Sweet Home

yayyy i'm home!! dude. i have so many things to blog about, it's amazzziinggg. traveling does that, i guess.

i wrote a bunch of stuff down in my notebook. let's just say.. in short, since according to my brother i'm supposed to make him a smoothie before he can study (WHATEVER) .. i'll finish this blog later.

i made a friend with a black girl who was being talked to by some drunk (bloodshot eyes, yes?) guys at the station "You should be a model", and she's nice so she talked to them.. (I'm glad I'm not pretty! haha)
Anyway we ended up talking and sitting on the train together, I found out she was a Christian. Though that kind of stopped there, but it was still cool, nonetheless.
Our initial conversation kind of went like this
her: And he was like 'i don't bite' .. like, wrong thing to say
I was like thinking.. you probably do bite!"
I had it all planned out, I was gonna be like 'Hey Megan!! Long time no see!' ..
me: You totally should've!!
her: Really? I wasn't sure how you'd react and you were on the phone..

I had talked to Yuning, woken up Kathleen (i thought she was in a different time zone, but she wasn't!) and Kent..


My cousin gave me a hug without reservation (AW) and has grown out of pink and likes green (YES! conversion.) and just now, Esther made me take this test and most obviously i got this result .. I've done these jung things so many times i can guess what people are :P .. sometimes. if i know them well enough.

ok.. time to be productive. i hope my brother doesn't fail stats cause i didn't make him a smoothie. :O

mom: your bangs are too long, let me cut them
me: noo. i think i'll cut it in berkeley. should i cut my hair short? but it doesn't look good short..
bro: who are you trying to look good for?
me: *rolls eyes .. so protective* myself!

then my mom tells me that gong-gong (my gpa, her dad) likes her hair short, but
do you know why i have my hair long now *points in direction of daddy*, daddy likes my hair long, i like my hair short, it's like a broom.
i cracked up when she said that. broom, eh?
then she tried to give me some of her old pantalones that don't fit her anymore..
"*something something* becoming a middle age woman *something * need to lose weight what do i do?"
dad: yun dong! (exercise)
i laugh.
mom is like let's go take a walk! is it still hot outside?
dad doesn't want to. so much for yun dong.
hahaha.

mom: you painted your nails
me: i knew you were gonna comment on that. i had a wedding yesterday!
mom laughs at me. she doesn't buy it. booo.

sometimes, more so when i'm home, i get intense feelings like i love something but i don't know what it is, because it seems silly to me. it's a reaction to words on a page that resonate with me, or something likewise small. and it feels silly to me, so i keep it to myself, knowing that i'll only be met with misunderstanding.. but those are the times when i want to say that i love ___, except i don't know what ___ is. sometimes i wish i could write faster, so i could catch and remember things, but my mind runs too fast for the page and by the time i've written words down.. a thought is forgotten. my notebook is still upstairs, so i'll get to that tomorrow.
home is weird. i feel happy, and i want to cry, at the same time. i know.. i know it sounds crazy. but it's okay. i wish i could write for a living. but i think if i did, i would be swept away into a sea of words and then i would never get out...

i rode on the train today, and we passed by a very muddy swamp. filled with tires. i thought to myself, that must be what my heart looks like. but it was right next to a blue body of water filled with gentle waves.

the air smells different here. it's scary seeing things change, even if it's in a positive way. it makes me think, what's going to happen? what's supposed to happen? what if i don't want it to happen that way? And then, God, what are You doing? I fluctuate in what I want so fast that I ask for things, and later regret that I asked for them.. in short, being at home confuses me. it's not that i'm necessarily a different person at home.. i don't think that's true. i have more time, less to worry about, more happy people (haha, i'm sorry berkeley, but it's true) .. just today, Mom and I ran into Tiffany's mom who was telling us how her younger daughter doesn't want to go to Berkeley after hearing about all the crimes that have been happening this year. seriously.

how long will i try to reform myself to what i think God wants me to be? sometimes i try so hard to be void of intense emotion, but it leaves me kind of drained.. it physically hurts to be among a crowd, sometimes.

so three words from Jess and Seng's wedding:
reconsecration, love, opening

i was pretty amused .. amused is not the right word.. by his words about reconsecration, since someone else had said this to me earlier this month, when i was asking them a question .. or rather, opening something up to them..
it's easy to give, but it's hard to follow up. i'll focus on the giving part, now.
Lord, I give these next four years to You.

Risk-Averse

I forgot what they say about start-ups in Econ. That is, your U(Ex) might be the same as another place that is more established, but your E(U) isn't.. Given that you get more utility from a sure thing. I hope I got that right.

I'm done with finals, cool. Onto the next thing.
That is.. tracking the Amtrak, buy presents (fun, but not when it's this late!!), and pack for home tomorrow.

Home, sweet home. I found out today that I might be related to Phoebe by marriage. O_O Will check on that when I go home.

Even though finals are over there still is a lot to do. Guess I shouldn't keep waiting for things to calm down.

Droopy Carnations

Why is it that we give people flowers for graduation?

Done with Econ =D .. the final was quite the ordeal. Imagine too many people stuffed into one room, not enough seats (they asked us to sit every other seat, who were they kidding? We all just grabbed the empty chair we could find) to the point where people are piling into the back of the room standing around, students are moving in tables, and then after that, the rest have to go find another room. On top of that, we have a high of 95, the door is open, the fans are loudly but not quite effectively blowing, and I'm sweating already. I was afraid I might get sick, since I was basically sitting in my sweat and all, as was everyone else around me. But what can you do, you're taking a final. So you keep at it for three hours, make sure you get all the which of these are *NOT* true, while the guy next to you is falling asleep probably because he's sleep-deprived, but more so because it's so hot, and you get out of there feeling sticky but happy that you finished and now can get air again. I think the reason why I don't feel hot right now is because of yesterday. Or maybe it's cause I'm from Fresno. HM.

So yeah, depending on the curve for that one. One more, and then it's home. Taking the Amtrak for the first time! Whoo adventures. Today Joan and I made biscotti (I hate saying ___ and I, it sounds so awkward even if it IS grammatically correct.. and then people correct me and it's like.. ahhhh, fine.) for the first time.

Verdict. Do more things that are out of my comfort zone, and end up with messes. I have no idea what sifting is, and I don't like public transit. All the silly things that happen end up to be amusing stories for later on, though.

I have to make friends with the BART for the next couple of months. And they DON'T have montly passes! That's almost 400 dollars of BART tickets..

I need to figure out why this is 403 forbidden even after I cleared out the mailbox. SPAM sucks. I could tie this to Econ right now, but I don't remember how.

Wedding presents.. hmm.............

... Too much going on = Stomach aches

Finals =[

I think this has been my most distracted (yes, distracted.. not distracting) attempt at studying for finals thus far in my life at Berkeley. Oh Lord Jesus..
What do you do with a people pleaser who is out of time to please people? It's amazing how much Econ I need to study and how much studying I've actually done.

together: "all things are just"

Lia solo: DUNG! *fist popping in the air*

together: "compared to Him."


I'm going to miss the seniors in our group.

Finals are coming.

Aaron visited today, with Verent, and some other VSET kids. I drank my mango sago (not as yummy as it sounds!!!) while him and Jeff ate lunch. He told me about how Jaeson Ma came to SLO two weeks ago.. and I guess this is how Aaron found out about Edison Chen who has repented and how him and his whole family became Christian after Jaeson Ma felt that he should go speak to Edison after Edison's sex scandal hit him hard and messed up his career.. crazy, right? And then Aaron went to go take a nap at Jeff's and that was the end of our conversation.

praise God.

Other than that, life is kind of slowing as finals approach, although I should get studying. I will, after I write this. It's a little cold out. Life is a bit weird right now. It's the end of the semester.. I don't know what to think of this year.

On the one hand, I feel like this year is a thousand times better than last, but on the other hand, I'm still not satisfied with the way things are, especially in the house. I can say that part of that is my own fault, but I don't think it's just an individual thing where we can all pile some blame on ourselves and think that it's all our own problem. We are all a work in progress, and if we admit that, then what matters is that "we work together with God by a life" and grow in His grace together. The Body needs to be built up in love, right, and is that happening among us? Or are we all just in our little space orbits orbiting around each other and bouncing off each other's shells? (A brother from Texas once came to Fresno and used that analogy.. hehe, pretty funny.) I think I can say this, because I don't think I'm the only one thinking it. And if I am, and people are like.. what's wrong with you Esther, it's just you, then please correct me if I'm wrong. I tend to refrain from speaking because I'm afraid of what people will think, but I think I will be frank for once and if I'm alone in this.. then.. that'll be a clue to me. Well, I guess, I, of all people, need this word to myself the most.

I think it's funny that a lot of times we think we are 'different' in that we think we don't belong, or we wonder why God chose us, but we're really not alone.. I feel this way too sometimes, and whether or not that's normal, I don't know.. but...
How are things going to change? It's true, we can't keep talking about how it would be SO great if things were this way or that way. It would be great, but what are we going to do about it? And yes, there are things to be done.. whether that be praying, or that and something else the Lord leads you to.. I feel like there needs to be that balance. Yes on the one hand we rest in the Lord, but on the other hand, we need to rise up because God does want to accomplish something through us while we are here. We're not just here for ourselves. With that said..

e.g.
Lord Jesus, draw us one step further.
and
Day by day, bit by bit, life will grow as is fit, increasing gradually until, however imperceptibly, Your life increases in me..

Lord grant me a heavenly, corporate view
That all of my growth and prayers to You
Little by little, day by day, would cause building up
Into the New Jerusalem

And this hymn.
Live Thyself Lord Jesus through me
For my very life art Thou
Thee I take to all my problems as the full solution now
Live Thyself Lord Jesus through me
In all things Thy will be done
I but a transparent vessel to make visible the Son

AWKWARD TURTLE.

I had the funniest experience today with BART and interviewing. Ask me for details, because it's much more funny if I tell you in person.

Wow, I don't want to write about something for once? Strange.

The semester is ending, and we are all getting happier. =D SUMMER.
*break it down break it down* REMIX (My small group is CRAZY.)

Day 3

kimchi #3.
GAHHH. >_<

... she's right.

the little kid who sticks her hand on the stove, burns herself, and does it again.
when will she learn?

Dude, my stomach hurts.

WEAKLING!!! haha.
I am all for corporate house Lactase.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!! YOU ARE TWO DECADES OLD!

.. I love saying that people are two decades old, because it sounds especially old.

Ate at a Japanese place owned by Cantonese people (go figure!)

Time for a lovely thing called Economics problem set.

._.

Who wants to be my reference?

StickyNote

2 Cor. 12:9

And He has said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness...

1 Pet.1:2
.... Grace to you and peace be multiplied

"We could never learn about the multiplication of grace, but we must learn to partake of the divine nature within us by the precious promises"
(The Stream, vol 12, no. 2, pp 16-17, 21-22)

in? Dependence

So I flipped my calendar today, because I'm late on realizing that it's MAY already, and the inspirational picture was..

"INDEPENDENCE"
haha.
So I looked at that for awhile, and was like.. eh heh.. how ironic. And then I blacked out the I and the N, so now, if you look at my calendar from an angle that doesn't create glossy-ness, it looks like it says DEPENDENCE. haha. okay, fine, that isn't as amusing as i think it is..

I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done. I wrote the fastest two phrases I have ever written of music this afternoon. I think parts of it might be wrong, but I'll find out when my GSI emails me back..

This morning was a struggle to not fidget and squirm in my chair since I was both cold and tired and distracted and my mind was going a million times an hour. I hate when it won't quiet down, and the worst thing is, none of the thoughts are good, so I'm sitting here saying stuff outwardly but there's no connection between my mouth and my thoughts. which are going in circles because they're going from the actual thought to thinking how could i have thought that and then condemning myself for thinking and then recycle reuse.. (reduce???). Absolute disconnect. WOESOME hahaha. =] but seriously, what is there to do during those times?!? It just makes me feel like.. I need lots of time to confess, or something. O_o

Lord, do my homework with me.

Day 2

of feeling stupid and doing idiot things.

hello, kimchi, i didn't know we were friends again.

gah, how many people does it take for an idealist to figure out that everything is less than ideal??

it's funny how little people know and how much they think they know. oh well..

i really have no idea what to do.

So on I go not knowing..

I'm starting to feel finals coming on, mainly because the English one got handed out today. My mouth feels it too. Three sores. :/ I really want to hit the tank right now.. but I can't, I don't have time...

I give You the first place , in all things by faith..

this line is pretty interesting.. at the moment.. it makes me think of.. how am I supposed to give the Lord the first place when I feel like it's taking away time from my studies? I know a lot of people have experiences where when they give the Lord that time.. their studying time is more effective, etc... but.. I guess yesterday I realized I still doubt the Lord a lot.. when things become hard, hence yesterday's conversation with Camille. I guess this is a proving of faith? lol. (which is more precious than gold!) It's like.. theoretically, I know I can trust the Lord, I know His heart is good towards me, but part of me is like..
are You sure, Lord? What if I don't cooperate with You, then what?
"The Lord is not going to leave you hanging"

I hate having borderline grades.. it seems kind of impossible to get an A in English now.. unless I do reallyyyy well on the final.. but.. I don't have too long to read the novels and do well on like.. eight pages worth of stuff.. so.. I kind of.. am not too optimistic about that.
And then there's Econ.. which I also don't want a B in.. but.. at this point.. I need to do really well on the final too. -_-
Music.. same story..
ISF.. I need to pass.
I guess I would just be really disappointed if I ended up with straight B's. So.. where do you allocate time? Do you give and take or spread yourself out thin? :O

I can't believe I'm blogging about this. Time to study.

._.

i feel really stupid.


cami:
i mean jeremiah 29:11 right?
plans to prosper you
and not to harm you