Disciplined

Is a word that I never appreciated as much as I do now.

Enjoy God.

"Do you have the original?" (us as xerox copies of Christ in His being that is love, light, on and on, but not what is exclusive to His deity, that is His Godhead and as an object of worship)

I heart my small group! Really appreciate what the other brothers and sisters have to share. And it's always good to lose a little face and speak something in faith.

Last training meeting is tomorrow. It's definitely been a bit of an exhausting week, with all the driving and sitting and listening and note-taking, but it has definitely been worthwhile. So much light was shed on 1 Peter, 2 Peter, and Jude.

Casting.. Castinnnngggg. All your care. Believe in God in abandon. There's a lot about my life right now that I don't understand and can not find answers to. All I know is that God knows everything much more than I do. That's comforting. And that all these experiences are opportunities for more grace.

Making His home downward in the depths of our heart.

The message tonight was quite comforting to me and brought me a little farther into trusting the Lord.. especially in knowing that God knows the depths of our being, and He wants to make His home there. And to be aware of only the Lord. I really appreciated the sharing on Psalm 119 and while I can't remember much of anything except that the saints are His delight.. I remember being touched by the Lord Jesus' humanity. One thing that also made a lot of sense to me was when the brother was talking about committing our whole being to the Lord, was the question why should we hold on to the way we feel about certain things, what good does it do to us? We can trust the Lord. The more His person is revealed to me.. the more I realize I really can trust this one. And the Lord made His way down to the abyss to proclaim His victory after He resurrected, how much more can the Lord gain the victory in our being if we allow Him.

As my hair dries.

Today was the start of the training on 1 Peter, 2 Peter, and Jude. I really enjoyed the first meeting and started to fidget in the second. The first was on God's government, and the second on God's economy. The two can't be separated, and we have to see God's government in light of God's economy.

With that much said, I can say that while there's so much the Lord needs to reveal to me concerning His economy, I still needed to hear the word that was spoken tonight. It was so strange to me actually, to hear about God's governmental dealing with us i.e. God's discipline, and be amen-ing inside. I think if I had heard this word at some other time, my reaction would probably have been different. I'm starting to realize more that this is really God's love toward us, that He would not let us go, that He would deal with us in this age.

Being humbled, and casting our anxiety on Him, were the two points that stuck out to me tonight. And how the devil is like a lion seeking someone to devour, esp the pride and the anxious make good food for him, one who is independent of others and one who is independent of God. It was as if he summed up who I was.. am. I saw my mom during break time and she asked me how I was. And she even brought that point up. We can commit our souls to God.. He is the Shepherd and Overseer of our souls. He is our Father who disciplines His children whom He loves. And all of this is for more dispensing.. so that God can be expressed in us, that is for His glory.

I was so touched that the Lord Jesus, when He died on the cross, was judged and became as nothing, He even said "Father forgive them" to those who were crucifying Him. My eyes kind of teared when the speaking brother said that. The Lord Jesus is so lovely.. I need to see this. We love because He first loved us.

Yesterday after feeling not at rest slash anxious over my own self consciousness and insecurity, I prayed with Susan .. At first I was thinking in my head.. what kind of prayers are going to come out of this? I don't want to just pray religious prayers and yet I did not feel as if I could pray. So I didn't say that, but.. the first thing out of her mouth was "Lord, wash us". I was reminded that the Lord died for us.. to wash us. What else did I need besides His precious blood? To come just as we were. after that.. our praying somehow watered me and we were full of thanks towards the Lord.

God does all things well.

Walking in a winter wonderland...

Currently I'm at Joanerz sitting on her big comfy bed and wasting time on the internet. Figured I'd blog since I just read Emmeline's blog and was inspired to blog. How do we pass the time? How did we ever pass the time? Did we just not notice these things when we were little? How do little kids just run around in circles and consider that fun? Do they even think about time?

So somehow these past couple days I've been rollercoaster-ing as far as energy goes and emotion as well. It's become pretty clear to me that I don't have too much of a heart for the Lord, and yet, at the same time, I know that I have been given a new heart that loves the Lord. So what does that mean? I'm not really sure. Maybe someone else can tell me. I feel like I'm chasing after some kind of ideal of what things are supposed to be like, how people are supposed to be, how I'm supposed to be. Spent a lot of time being uncomfortable. Obviously, life on planet earth doesn't exactly live up to that. But either way, I don't really understand entirely what I'm doing for this week. It all feels a bit surreal. I think I've said the word "feels" way too many times in this paragraph. LAME.

The kitchen smells really good right now.

I left my heart in San Francisco

Not really, but it seems like everything someone says makes me break out in song, in my head, if not out loud.

I'm SO sorry Karis and Joan (they probably don't read this) for sleeping in and making you guys do brunch for the FTs as a two person team. I definitely have some issues with waking up or rather, getting out of the warm covers of my, somewhat corporate in the sisters house, bed. GRRR. That was disappointing.

So then Emmeline and I and Jenn and Mandy hit the road to make our way to SF for what Emmeline and I thought would be a simple window-shopping adventure. But I ended up burning over a hundred dollars today.

Pictures of me. Pictures of you. Except there are none because I looked at my camera this morning and decided I didn't want the extra weight in my bag. Silly thought.
Hit the Bart station. 3.50.

Hit SF. Hit AE and spy 20 dollar jeans which never happens. Hopped on those. Found out that I can squeeze into a size zero and suffocate myself, or fit into a size two and wear a belt and have some extra room for dinner and comfy room. Went with the size two.

Hit some skin store where Jenn hopped on something so that she could get a gift wrapping with potpurri. Okay, that probably wasn't the main reason, but I'm pretty sure it was one of the main ones. :]

Hit some pretty store with lots of crystal sparkly things? Said something out loud about how I would probably break everything if i owned it. Got a stare from another customer. Whoops.

Chitchat to people who are selling rings and ask them for directions to the box office while we're at it. I've never tried on so many rings in my life.

Okay. It's getting boring to write like this.
Frankly, H&M has part of my soul. Burned 50 on grey skirt, grey shirt, and grey sweater. Theme, no?

So for the musical. It was pretty good, I guess. I mean, it was really good but I can't say I appreciated it that much compared to everyone else. Well it got progressively better except that I cant understand the whole New York accent and innuendos.

Ok. packing time.

DONE!

I'm done, and my fingers are frozen as I type this.

Brrrr the cold weather bites the nose and stings the toes as across Telegraph we go. Found Karina looking at cute but overpriced journals. Found cute shirt that said "I heart food" it reminded me of Joan. Embarked on a cold journey up and down Telegraph and ended up with two peace pieces. Pun intended! It was so Berkeley I couldn't pass it up. It's funny that we feel bad and donate but are drawn to the scene because it's supposedly "free". I'm almost positive that if he had charged for the pieces of peace the same price, few people would've bought them.

I haven't figured out what I'm allergic to yet, and I'm so paranoid that I've stopped snacking on random things in fear that I might breakout in hives again. I keep having weird sensations that I'm about to breakout >__< meeep. I want to point the finger at Starbucks' spiced cider but that would be unfair.
Yesterday I tried to get out of my final but alas, the time situation didn't work out, which was good in the end cause the final wasn't that bad. Hooray!! Physics this morning was bad though and linguistics was questionable as well. I'm done!!!! Except music, but no one cares about music .. just kidding XD

Warning: Stop use if skin rash occurs.

So I think I've figured out the culprit to my ridiculous itching and ugly red bumps.
1.50 softlips spf 20 raspberry with green tea extract lip protectant/sunscreen!
Active ingredient? Dimethicone 2%

So at first I was suspecting the virus but then it didn't seem to fit very well since I've had the cold sore for at least a week now. And 'intense itching' wasn't exactly a side-effect. This morning, SaCho was like, did you eat anything? And I was thinking.. no? taco soup? I went to Barnes & Nobles and had Starbucks cider? That's odd. And then I remembered my chapstick and Jenn telling me I smelled good. Haha. And the little warning that I brushed off..

So I pull it out and look up Dimethicone online and sure enough! I think it's the culprit. But I'm a little hesitant to toss it out cause it smells good! But I'm also not exactly wanting to retry it out and see if I develop another rash, you know?
So, conclusion is, I think I'll have to toss it. :[

Reminder to self: Do not buy on sale chapstick with active ingredients that you probably are allergic to.

I'm definitely going to fail my finals if I keep reacting to everything and not studying, because that's what's been happening. Have no clue how this is all going to work out. We'll see. Not asking for much anymore. Does that make me a bad student? All I want is to get a decent grade in Econ so that I can actually declare a major. And decent grades in Physics and Linguistics would be nice but I can't see that happening, what with not studying and all.

So I just wanted to post this as I thought it might be funny as an afterthought to read again. Time to attempt to study.

Coldsore.

So. Don't ask to share food with me unless you want to contract HSV. The End.

So I'll Admit.

I didn't exactly pen in a time at 3pm for me to blog and possibly take a nap, but after attempting to read about why the Fed lowered the Federal Funds Rate to 4.25% and running into a whole bunch of terms I've never heard of before, my eyes start to glaze over. It's cold in this room. It was warmer down there. A lot of times I overthink things so much that I become indecisive and get nothing done. Like which is more conducive to studying, the student center? or my room? should i turn on the heater? do i want to waste energy? All these considerations. Too many, really. I wish I could just be like, eh, it doesn't matter. But it does!! At least I think it does, and then I think that all these things will add up. Etc, etc, etc. (Butterfly effect anyone?)

I feel like sleeping or singing or probably should be studying, but I can't decide which.............................

Funny.

So I decided to look up my xanga post of two years ago, because I remember myself as being different that year. (junior year) and yes, these were the days where everyone actually used xanga and we'd end up with 10 comments on our posts within the next day. I can't say I don't miss the whole xanga realm, but anyway.

The point is, I randomly read through it and I definitely sound like a high schooler. A peppy one. Haha.. that's not the point.

The point is.. I wrote:


Lunch time was interesting. I wandered around the campus by myself for awhile, but then Shelly found me-- yay =)
For some reason I have this feeling that I'm going to become anti-social when I get to college.. or was it socially paranoid? Grace's psych book is beyond interesting.

haha. err. :( it's true.

reading comments makes me miss people.

"is it interesting because you guys established that i was in the yellow range?! lol
Posted 12/8/2005 8:58 PM by the_king_bee "

OK, that's enough nostalgia for the day. I'm already getting sad. =P

This is how much I look like my little brother:
Today a sophomore asked me if I was Joseph's sister, and then proceeded to ask me "Do you love him?" And I was like. "sure." and he was like "he said he loves you too" and Nancy's like "aww." and I'm like thinking, well he sure doesn't act like it.. hahaha.


awww. sibling.

Let's resurrect a quote:

During your childhood, people tell you to be quiet. When you are quiet, people tell you that you are shy.
J.B. Winge

Something else that was kind of funny. It's from after I got back from the SF conference.
this point really hit me.. only you have that particular portion of Christ.. by your ministry to us.. we can be fed by it... but if you don't let the Lord shine.. you may have the inward constitution, but that something there.. may never be seen.. lose your face a little, n-e?

Who knows what 25 basis points means??!!! Why would you release a statement, say that you dropped something 25 basis points and not say where it started! BOO ECON!!!!!!!
Ok, time to wikipedia it.

Sitting there

And in my head I'm thinking.. as I'm looking at the pyramid of someone's psychological breakdown of human needs. And as I'm looking I'm thinking. Lord. You. And I'm thinking, Lord.. what's the purpose of human life? Is it just this.. is it just that? I know it's more than .. I almost said, can ever know, but that's not true since.. we can know what is unknowable. (I don't get it, but I know it's true :P) Anyway. it's more than what I see now. I don't see much, and I think a brother's sharing hit it on the nose. Pride, yes? A hollow one, at that. It's just one of those things you use to save yourself from your inferiority complex. Doesn't work too well. Even as I'm typing this, my head is beginning to hurt. A lot of times, when I start to say certain things, my head will start to hurt. It's like .. is it to keep me from thinking so highly of myself? I'm starting to wonder what the meaning of all this is. I know I'm not supposed to 'complain' or whatever, but anyway. Really, it is hard to live with this thing that creeps up at just the sarcastic right /sarcastic times. it makes me want the numb feeling that i get from just being dead. or not dead. i don't even know. It's all confusing and maybe the correlation is less than I thought and this is all in my head. Whatever it is... in the end, I just want to be simplified. I get anxious over being anxious. LoL. It's like I'll think I want one thing and then my brain goes on overkill and is like no, that's not right. Right. Why am I so stuck on that? "Everything's the best that it can be, so let's gain Christ". This line jumped out at me yesterday. Everything. Everything?! is the best that it can be. Really? so, so what? SO let's gain Christ. so let's GAIN Christ. so LETS gain Christ. so lets gain CHRIST!

Ok, enough circles for the day. I never mean to write as much as I end up writing and Emmeline's essay is awaiting me.

kaput.

went kaput yesterday. it's hard to say what's really going on. it's harder to say what's really going on when you yourself aren't quite sure. and then everyone comes in and analyzes you and says maybe it's this, maybe it's that, maybe you need......... time. but i don't want to be waiting on time to pass.

well i know something's wrong, just don't have a clue what to do. i'm a poet and didn't know it.

Brain on overdrive

What doesn't go into physics comes out as.. in summary.

frostvectron: you're being stupid. stop thinking.

Early one morning just as the sun was rising

i hate my sleeping schedule.
aim is evil in multiple ways.
things were easier when i could be haphazard and didn't worry about screwing up people or myself (and as a result, did.)
lessons are rarely learned and if learned, hardly applied.
everyone thinks they are special or an exception.
this is starting to sound vaguely familiar.
wisdom teeth coming out.
condescending is so ugly.
finals are in a week. (really?)

1.5 down. 3.5 to go.

God, I don't know how to depend on You. Bring me to know.

Just love Him..

Give yourself to love the Lord..

some reminders to myself:
owe justin 8.29
should probably get teethguards if i want to have teeth in ten years

need to watch webcasts like crazy and study for physics and econ like curazy
and prepare for the essay part of econ and linguistics like crazy..
and.. :D

Lord Jesus You're lovely..
You're more to be desired..
Than any earthly pleasure
You're fine beyond compare.
Lord Jesus Your beauty
does far exceed all others
You're comely and You're tender
You're radiant and You're fair.

<33333. Ahh. so pretty.

Confused?

I don't understand myself. I can't figure out anything, what I like, what I don't like, what's boring and what's fun, what I want to do, how I feel, what I'm even feeling a certain way about, what it's directed towards, this sentence could go on and on about all the things I'm indecisive about.. not really indecisive, its more like.. I just don't know, so therefore I am indecisive. It's like when some general emotion comes along, I'm like.. why?? Most people can say they're happy for a certain reason, sad for a certain reason, but I'm the person who you'll find crying and won't be able to tell you what's wrong... or the opposite. It always feels like there's not enough information to say what's really going on. (Psych has definitely brainwashed me.) Somehow words can never adequately express whatever is really going on and so I find myself at a loss of words. That and I can't even figure out what's going on anyway. (and lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have i) Am I kidding, am I not kidding? Is this just a defense mechanism? Like, what? Who is that aware of themselves? Geez. Yeah, I'm sure everyone is kind of like .. Esther get over it, but it's really annoying to not understand what anything means. It makes me feel kind of apart from myself. Weird..? So basically none of this makes sense and that's why it's in a huge gigantic paragraph and not organized at all. I guess this can serve as my warmup to the introductory I'm supposed to write for linguistics. Sigh.. I don't know. So I guess I realize a little more now how much I trust in my feelings to judge things and just how stupid that is because they are bipolar like Berkeley weather.

well..

to end on a brighter note..

shuffle ended on..

in the universe He is like an immense magnet.. drawing all His seekers to Him..
Lord.. I love You. I don't know how I can even say that.. but.. yeah. What is love anyway? yeah yeah yeah. I can't say anything without wondering what it really means. But that's okay. Lord, I love You! He is so good to me and I don't understand why. How can anyone be that patient? A bruised reed He will not break.

The Lord is my Shepherd forever.

He maketh me down to lie, He leads me besides the still waters
Oh how He does satisfy
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life..


God is good. And His words are yummy.

Ephesians 3

for this I will pray

14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father,
15 Of whom every family in the heavens and on earth is named,
16 That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit into the inner man,
17 That Christ may make His home in your hearts through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 May be full of strength to apprehend with all the saints what the breadth and length and height and depth are
19 And to know the knowledge-surpassing love of Christ, that you may be filled unto all the fullness of God.
20 But to Him who is able to do superabundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power which operates in us,
21 To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus unto all the generations forever and ever. Amen.

Even as Christ loved the church

and gave Himself up for her.

We love because He first loved us.

We need to love the church, that is the local churches where we are, and not just some abstraction of the church. When we touch the church, we touch one pearl of great value.

If we love the church, we will exercise ourselves unto godliness so God is manifested in the flesh in our gathering. Our exercise unto godliness is an expression of our love for the church.

Just to touch God. <3

I ran to Oakland today. I'm pretty happy about that :) Tommorow I will be sore.

..Who wants to make me protein shakes?! :P My mom used to make those for me every day just because she for some reason thought I needed more protein. I forget what her justification was. And then there was a phase where I needed more fiber. Etc Etc Etc. Anywho...... yummyyyy.

And I played badminton today for the first time in a year!!! I'm pretty bad now .. well, I think my drops are better, maybe? It's exciting getting exercise haha. =] It makes me feel so healthy and alive for the rest of the day.

And even though at the time of running I really wanted to stop, I kept going cause I felt bad for Jay and Emmeline. By the end of the run, Emmeline told me we had run 2 miles. I was like, you're kidding, right? Cause I've never ran more than a mile in my life. No wonder I felt like stopping so much. But. yay!!!!! exercising is fun. Kind of. well, not the feeling like hurling part, but, yeah.