ANXIETY IS OF SATAN.

epiphany!!!!!!!!
no time to be anxious. (but in everything, by prayer and petition let your request be made known to God)
so i was feeling anxious over something.. and then i was worried that what if i pray to the Lord about it and He leaves me hanging and it turns out disastrous? so then i was sitting here feeling anxious and wondering what to do.. :O
but now.. i think i will trust the Lord, give this to Him, do what i can, and be done with it instead of waste my time worrying today.

Need your thoughts.

So I'm supposed to write a blog post about the concept of incremental change towards taking care of the environment and then use examples of companies that did so. the post is supposed to generate some sort of dialogue and not merely be a talk-at-you kind of thing. It's for this internship that I'm applying to.. so yeah if anyone is interested in reading it and giving me feedback :P that'd help a lot!

CLICK ME

Blogger thinks dialogue is not a word. Sheesh.

Lord, cook with me.

eh heh heh heh. :] This is nice. Inviting the Lord into everything we do. It's.. relaxing, even.
O______O (Typically, I don't like cooking for large groups of people.. it is very annoying.)

In the OCF right now. The sky outside is SO blue. <3.

So yesterday, Mai called me weird. OF ALL PEOPLE TO CALL ME WEIRD..

I love when you have those moments with people where you're both silent/thinking and then all of a sudden someone says something and you're like I WAS THINKING THE EXACT(?) SAME THING!
.... I don't care that I sound like a valley girl right now. But it was really funny yesterday cause Lina was thinking.. and I was thinking.. And then she said something that would've outwardly seemed completely random but it was funny when she said it because I was thinking of something similar. Wow, I can't write right now.
In other words, I think I get red pretty easily or my face heats up at the smallest things. Meh.. and then I wonder if people notice and hope that they don't. But they probably do and are too ..polite..ach hem.. to say anything about it. BOOOOO. Hence Lina "Yeah I think you get red easily"

NO! to Satan

I really appreciated the brother's absoluteness in speaking to us this matter of saying no to Satan, and how black and white it is. And the simplicity of math.. we have two persons, the old man, and Christ, when we deny the old man, what are we left with? Christ. It really is that simple, even if outwardly it looks like there are so many options. The other thing that stuck out to me was that when we say no to the enemy, the Lord doesn't just leave us hanging. He's renewing our mind at the same time. The Lord's heart is so good towards us. We have to cooperate with Him and in scope, most of the operating is Him. The other thing that was really good was just slowing down..

As many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God..

so.. now for practicing :)

I'm encouraged!

I will never stay up until 3 when I have something important the next day.

Note to Self.

L&S is tarded and won't grant my petition to drop the class. Am trying for an incomplete. HOPPEEEEE.

Am liking being obnoxious (taking Justin's advice!) It's pretty fun actually.

Saying hello to temperamental external hard-drive that worked when I restarted the computer with it plugged in.

This is a list of things to do.

Music homework.

Check out the goodies I grabbed from the fair. I got a ice cream cone pen!! Pretty exciting, right?

Read for Econ problem set Tuesday.

Do recipes (SPAGHETTI!!!)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two decades!

sorry everyone if i am not that fun to be around today. it really bothers me when i'm not in the mood to be fun haha .. it seems kind of unfair to other people. i don't hate you!!! so yes, i will be somewhat glued to my screen and my music homework for a little while longer.

breakfast at nine. moolicious :)

Get notes from Garbo/ give Garbo my notes.

Eat more fish for my memory =P Salmon was yummy today. Good job team!

Beginnings.

I feel I finally have to learn what I've been putting off for so long.
That is, as my wise mother used to say when I was little :P, "Esther, you have to say thank you. I know you say it in your heart but other people can't hear that"

"I didn't know you were into stuff like that"

says Jenn, when she hears that I want to find something environmental related.

Yeah, really. I guess I'm not as vocal about it in this place. We concluded that we don't want to be grouped with all the rather obnoxious people in Berkeley who protest out on the streets for unclear causes. Sorry, but, how many people are actually being reached by the incessant noise? All those fliers on Sproul lead to more apathy. For me, anyway.

This was on our way to tennis. Or rather, our tennis lesson. Jenn's a fast learner. :) "Next week is backhands!"

I have..

the best siblings ever. yes, siblings.

GAH emmeline and her yummy smelling quesadilla that she dropped on my carpet!!!!!

today i met up with my major adviser and three other economics majors.
it basically went like this
"so what are you guys thinking of doing after college?"
person #1 "Law school.."
person #2 "Law school.."
person #3 "MBA... Finance"
me "... uhh. i'm actually not really sure. accounting? (i'm not sure why i said that.. i have no idea if i would like accounting or not) or something environmentally related? *wince* ..."

SO then.. it went into this thing about how I should take environmental classes and then I might get into the statistical side.. but what if I decide that I want to get into the bio side? Then I might have to take biology classes?

I kind of laughed when she said that. (everyone thinks i'm MCB) -_- Really though. I look retarded and unmotivated compared to everyone else. Hellooo. I'd like to think that college is a time to explore. Somehow I decide things after I gopher it, and then find that I like it. It's hard to make a decision otherwise. Take Econ, for example.

Today's coordination time reminded me of Key Club officer meetings. "Wait, so what are we doing?"

The best thing about talking to Economics advisors:
You might not want to go to grad school for Economics unless you really love it and it's very math intensive nowadays. That's three years of your life, loans, think about the opportunity cost....... what else could you be doing?

I had Telebears today.
I am officially signed up for
Economics 140
Spanish 1

Hooray for Spanish.....! I hope I don't regret this.

Planning on..
UGBA 103 (Finance)
Maybe an accounting class or an EEP class.
Maybe something to fulfill historical breadth or international.

We are singing awkward songs in chorale. Seriously.
Namely. Fever and Son of a Preacher Man. Talk about major acting on my part.
The only reason why I'm still here is because of Time to Say Goodbye (quando so..) and Build Me Up Buttercup. Blah. I need to quit chorale.
For some reason, I think I forgot how to breathe again.

... hooray for emails to brighten the day.

Self-doubt.

I'm glad that was brought up.

I wish I didn't analyze every single thing that comes my way.

Seriously.

Oo yume star oO: that would make the most sense.
ezstarr: icic
Oo yume star oO: lol
Oo yume star oO: yeah.
Oo yume star oO: im so silly esther
ezstarr: yes you are esther
Oo yume star oO: lol.
ezstarr: KEKE(:

.. -_-

PROJECTION ALERT. (I.e. Why I shouldn't major in Psychology)

wow, I hate that psych terms pop into my head in inopportune times and I'm like, no, sorry, that's not me you're talking about, that's you, it's called "projection"; we learned it in such and such textbook in this chapter and .......

I'm done with ISF (HALLELUJAH)
We went too long (to be expected.......no bitterness, there) but he said that we were clear and accurate, which is good cause I was planning on just saying whatever. It turned out fine. It's easier for me to speak in front of crowds of people that I don't know, about a topic that is outside of me. My voice is so loud, it almost surprises me. Renewable energy? Pffah!

So I wrote something like "when we took of the tree of knowledge.." and my grader underlined "we" and wrote something above it. I was like, what's wrong with what I said, that's what happened? And then I noticed the grader wrote "Eve?" And it was like.. oh haha, literally yes.. but..

ANYWAY.

In English class, Prof kept bringing up Helen who is one of the characters and an IDEALIST. So a bunch of the things she said about her (mostly negative connotation.. at least to me) it was like.. oh i am sooo like that.

haha, okay, whatever, i'm done with negativity for today. I CANT WAIT FOR _____. I don't even know what it is I can't wait for. I feel like sometimes I feel like I'm dangerously out of my comfort zone, and I don't mean comfort zone as what I'm actually comfortable with, but comfort zone as what I think I'm comfortable with myself being "comfortable" with. Does that make sense? Probably not.

IM GOING TO MISS ________.

Hello, stream of consciousness!
I think finishing up my bucket of soy cream had some interesting effects on me.

Losing your soul life.

I remember those eight points on what it means to not lose our soul life from the time Esther posted them on her blog a while back. I remember reading them and being like, oh well, in that case.. I completely fail the test, now what? So I guess I don't really know what it is to lose my soul life for the Lord's sake, or how that even happens really. But I guess I can say that Lord, I'd like You to reveal that to me and lead me. Even if maybe right now I'm open, and later I will not be so open to it, but Lord, have Your way, that I'd cooperate with You.

The meeting was enjoyable. I was sort of afraid that I might be very sleepy and mess up with piano.. well not that I didn't, but it was okay with Sarah next to me encouraging on. And listening to people share was good.. especially when Jean said something about how it's okay to make mistakes and how she used to think about all the things she didn't say and etc etc after she stood up.. I was laughing because I completely relate .. but .. yeah. So. It's okay to make mistakes and lose your face. Well.. this is like another part of losing my soul life, I guess.

Lots of work to do ==> ciao!

He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

Search..

Typing that as my title makes the box look like a real search bar. Now that I think of it, the concept of searching the internet is so strange.. it's like a constant library of everything.

It's late, but my hair is still wet. I've finally finished Jasmine. Weird book, interesting enough, I like my professor's writing style. A lot of "lol"s got penned in. I don't think I've done that to a book in awhile.. maybe Pride and Prejudice, but I can't think of anything else.

So college meetings have been pretty good. I like the topic we're going through.. "Basic Practices for a Normal Christian Living" .. it's very practical and hits home. Like serving God through caring for people and giving.

I find it funny (and cute!!!!!) when Spencer wants to be held. He was pointing to the water fountain today. I thought he wanted a drink right, so.. naturally.. I picked him up, brought him over, and he reached for a paper cup. So, I give it to him, turn on the water fountain, and he fills it up and then dumps it out. It spills a little on the floor and a little on me. Good thing it was water. Haha. Now that I think of it, this reminds me of the first time Emmeline and I were supposed to be taking care of him and I decided he needed to wash his hands. I have no idea how I did it the first time but I don't recall it being a messy ordeal...

So I'm like, oh, okay, nevermind, you don't want water (I am soooo bad with kids!) O_o Tina is like, no wonder he likes you, you spoil him.

Eh heh heh heh. True.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

remember these things? i used to find them really interesting.
Okay I completely went on a tangent because I remembered the whole parenting thing in relation to personality typing and disciplining/spoiling? and I wanted to look it up and see if what I remembered was right and then I was like hmm I wonder if that blogthings thing is still there. and it is.
The reason I posted this? the last sentence looks new.. It's pretty funny (because it's true.) Unrealistic, naive, and weak. Yeah, pretty much. The rest of it.. Ehhh. I don't know what I should think.

I JUST KILLED A REALLY HUGE SPIDER THAT WAS CRAWLING DOWN MY WALL IN FRONT OF ME.

*stares at huge spider* *goes to bathroom and gets a huge clump of toilet paper so i don't have to feel anything when i kill it* *rolls spider up into toilet paper* "Sorry" (why am i apologizing to it?) *flushes*

GAH..GROSS.

.. there's still a limb on my desk.
I freak out about it afterwards..

.. how do spiders like that get in the house in the first place? And why do I only notice it when it is right in front of me? It makes me kind of paranoid.

Okay, I think hair is dry.

zzz.

i'm tired.
i kind of liked things the way they were before.
oh well.
can't wait for school to end.
zzzz.
i don't know why i'm up.

There's a storm

and June is walking on water.

Search me O God and know my heart..
You know all my ways..
Lead me in the way everlasting..

I miss home. I really, really do. I talked to my Mom today for the first time since spring break .. only because I was desperate.

the Lord knows your heart Esther, and He knows who you are, He's only asking you to come to Him, He is your burden-bearer.

It's funny how often I forget this and how often I fall into letting the enemy condemn me.

.. and Jesus is sleeping peacefully in the boat as the storm comes and we anxiously point it out to Him...

God is faithful, says Grace..

I still miss home. But, it's better now. Lord, You are continually with me.

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on Him because it matters to Him concerning you.