#5

:( it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.
yes i'm complaining. :( :( :( :( :( :(

sometimes...
i wish people would stop telling me what to do. it's like driving. go this way! no, go that way! no, do this! what are you doing?!?! umm, hello, can anyone drive when they have to attempt to listen to all those directions and look at the road?

so i would probably end up making a lot of mistakes, running in circles, finding out the hard way where that road leads and how it doesn't actually go through..

but...
wouldn't it be nice, to just have the road, sometimes, without all the signs? not all the time, but at least, some of the time?!?!?! I guess today is just not one of those times.

I want to go home*.

* I think I use this term loosely in whiny fashion to mean whatever I think is more happy and comforting than my current state.

(maybe i'm the chance of rain)

It's already Thursday?!?!?!?!

Things I planned to do over Spring Break but still have not done and I am leaving on Saturday which means I have one more full day to do anything.

1) Katie's apron!!!!! Tonight, perhaps???
2) READ ISF. The reader is STILL in my packing bag that I haven't unpacked. Why do I always do that? Anyway, I better read it. It was overpriced.
3) Finish reading Beloved and Love Medicine. I am about half way through Love Medicine. It's okay. I don't understand the point of it much. Just reading through it. There's too many graphic scenes though. Wouldn't read it for fun. Beloved is also graphic too. Bah, humbug.
4) My problem set? I have a feeling this one isn't going to happen :( .. oh noo.
5) PLAY TENNIS?! hello, no. People are playing basketball today I think....
6) SEE CAMILLE? GIRL WHERE ARE YOU?
7) IN N OUT? not entirely necessary. Just a thought.
8) Scrapbooked?
9) Gone to Fashion Fair? Also not entirely necessary.
10) COLDSTONES? Again, not necessary. Am becoming muffin topped.
11) reading notes.. d'oh!

.. why is spring break so shooorttttt.

Things I have done
1) Made a Jamba run with Phil and Ruth :D awww <3 love these "old fogies" hahaha. (they call themselves that) Verdict: speak up more, esther!
2) Ate at Sweet Tomatoes with people, yay!
3) Driven my car and didn't die?
4) Played tag with Daisy, Evelyn, and my cousin. They are sooo adorable. Daisy is super outgoing and definitely a risk-lover. Runs around making herself vulnerable. I am, by default, always "IT". And if I am not "IT", I offer to be. Who's horrible idea was it to call the "it" person "it"? Evelyn is cute too. I think she knows that I won't tag her unless she wants to be tagged, so she kind of smiles at me and pretends to let go of base and then reaches back for it and giggles. Little kids. And my cousin, is definitely related to me. She hugs onto base for dear life and only runs to another base when I am at the other side of the "playground".. cheaaaap shoottttt.
5) Home meeting at Don and Sophie's. Hehe, they're cute.
6) Saw Emily! I.E. Made a Riverpark run
7) Attempted to tutor my brother in Stats, yelled at him a little, been a bad sister in general
8) Read most of A Bridge and Channel of God
9) Kept up in the Bible reading schedule ... chugging through Matthew right now. What I remember from last night: guy with leprosy gets healed?

Drove as far as we could go..

Sweet Tomatoes is yum. <3 I eat so much now, it's ridiculous. I'm content with just sitting there eating while Justin and Aaron carry on some conversation about cars and zombies that I half understand. I like that I can get through an entire lunch without hardly truly knowing much about what exactly is going on and still enjoy it and find things funny at random moments. Haha. So oblivious -_-

Then we went to the Fresno-version of Papamingos, Red Mango, Pink Berry, you name it, called.. Groove? What? It sounds more like a dance club to me. Anyway. The interior design was so cool! Blue wall, kind of modern look that all these Korean yogurt places have, and longish black table, slanted things on the walls. I so wish I had an eye for that kind of thing. So I got rid of 20 pennies, which means there must be 30 left in my wallet. I suppose I'll use that next time Jenn and I are at a cafe and craving food instead of studying.


Had a bit of an emotional though somewhat enlightening dinner with the parentals, but at this point I think I'm still confused on me, myself, and I, personally. At the same time, I don't want to attempt to take the time to figure it out. Do I have to? Shouldn't it just fall upon me like a ..
_________ (i can't think of anything to describe what i'm thinking)
Sigh.

I remember one of the first times I read these verses was at SST in seventh grade. Penny's favorite book was Romans, so we read through this. I remember I didn't like Romans at the time, especially chapter 9 bothered me. But it's become sweeter (for lack of a better word!), somehow.


Romans 9:15
For to Moses He says, "I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion."
16
So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy.

I woke up too late..

And now I feel like the day is almost over. (Cause it is!) What is there to do?

I feel like I'm still in Romans 7:20
But if what I do not will, this I do, it is no longer I that work it out but sin that dwells in me.

And I am hazy on the "law of aerodynamics" (chapter 8? law of the Spirit of life)

8:6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the spirit is life and peace.

iHop you Hop..

just got back from hanging out with grace and melissa. i miss feeling that relaxed. why are we always talking about namjas? being with old close friends puts me in a content mood. now i'm in the house again . . . i need to go and do some stats..

i don' t want tooooooooooo. but i have to..

i miss not dealing with controversy, but i guess that's the price you pay.

i think it'd be fun to run around and travel for a year.

sometimes talking to people makes things worse. i am where i am, you are where you are, why judge?

"If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking?" - Thomas Kempis

Bittersweetness.

It's not what I imagined it to be. Not to be dramatic, but I feel as if things taken for granted as secure are collapsing around me, and I'm paralyzed, wishing that I had a lack of feeling to match my lack of action. Sometimes what I tolerate in myself, hurts me a lot more when I see it outside of me. Worry, sickness, disorder, confusion, conflict... For some reason.. it's easier to trust that I will get through certain things.. maybe because I think that I can depend on outside sources.. and things always work out okay. but when it comes to someone else.. I feel like I'm standing here watching it go by anxiously, unsure of what action to do and producing initially sadness and later frustration and annoyance instead. It reminds me of something Henna once told me.. "what if the Lord takes care of you by taking care of them?" .. I don't know.

"children yelling, over there? i mean playing. children playing"

Today was an adventure.

I can't believe I'm not absolutely pooped out after spending almost SEVEN hours playing with little kids, or rather trying to have children's mtg with them and keep them occupied. oh my goodness, it was crazzzzzyyyyy.

kids are so cute and hilarious and troublemakers all at the same time. i'm horrible at attempting to control a group of them. surprisingly, afterwards, phuong was like
"esther, i didn't know you were good with kids because you're usually quiet!"
i was like.. what?!?! haha. i guess half way through the time, me and ruth (who seriously reminds me of the girl in high school musical..) kind of took over and tried to get the kids to play games.. we started playing musical chairs which they liked (ruth was the music, haha!!!) until one of the little boys got hit and started crying :( so sad. i knew that was going to happen. i always hated musical chairs as a child. Anyway, i tried to teach them the watermelon game. ya know, that korean "drinking" (really?) game. they didn't get it. hahaha. but it was fun trying. then we tried to do simon says. but i couldn't think of stuff to make them do so i kept making them do the same things.. and then they were sooo bad at it. so i was like, yeah that was practice. and then we just let them all not get out. and thennn we tried to play skeleton in the closet.. which obviously didn't work cause they're all a bunch of cheaters! haha.

Today a fourth grader got asked his name and he said he didn't know, that he would tell us if he knew, but he didn't. he looked soooo scared.. i think i'm overly sensitive to kids like that :( everyone was like ?!?!?! and i seriously almost cried while sitting there in the midst of the huh? what do you mean? i could feel my face getting warm the way it does when i involuntarily cry.. which hasn't happened in awhile.. usually i cry out of weariness/frustration .. :( and then this other little girl was reallyyyy shy (and sooo cute!) so i almost felt bad asking her what her name was but she was okay with telling me. my mom says it's because i look young. i told her that's also why none of them listen to me.

we lost a football over the fence. during the time when the kids were playing outside.. i mean.. throwing things at each other outside.. oh man.. i really didn't know what to do. we kinda just watched them throw things at each other. lol. at least no one got hurt? so yes, we lost a football over the fence. apparently our church neighbors have been through this before cause when ruth and i walked all the way over to where the condos were, the lady was like, oh yeah, the church? and me and ruth were like .__. she was really nice though.. almost too nice. i wonder if they remember us from when we were naughty little kids.. well.. ya know. she had the cutest puppies. i love how puppies lick your arm cause they like the sweat. speaking of which.. i went running today! yay. i think it's harder to run not on the treadmill. ..

Greetings from Seattle

so a certain person that i haven't seen for a very long time (i guess he wasn't kidding when he said it was probably going to be the last time i would see him at graduation) finally popped up on gtalk (not really.. melissa had to tell me he was on .. gtalk is strange sometimes)

me: STEVEN!!

Steven: Sister Esther!

me: lol, how are you?

Steven: i'm good

it's so nice to be on break

me: are you in seattle?

Steven: this was the toughest school quarter i've ever had in life

yes

me: oOo

how come?

Steven: O-chem second quarter or semester is supposed to be the worst

me: ohhhh

o chem.

yuck.

Steven: it's alright

you would do good in it

it's all logic

absolutely nothing like general chemistry

me: are you kidding me

i'm so bad at the sciences

Steven: but you're not bad at logic

me: uhh.

haha

it's nice that you think that

i don't know

Steven: well

yeah

me: i don't think i am

but berkeley has kinda made me feel that way about everything

haha

Steven: aw

it's alright

as long as you know your identity in Christ

you'll do awesome in life

me: lol

hmm

what's awesome

Steven: God's will

haha

me: haha, amen

Steven: yup

Amen

yay.

going "home" tomorrow! meaning, jamba juice in styrofoam non-environmentally friendly but better at insulating and nicer cups that get filled up to the brim.

"I think you know what I'm getting at"

Hopeful for oblivion.
I should make a postcard out of that..
So many projects I want to do!!
Mabel called me a grandma. Haha.
Cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches are surprisingly REALLY GOOD. really. REALLY. Amy makes bomb sandwiches.
Garbo's cute GSI (because he's hecka fob and dorky in that I-don't-know-what-matching-means way and he says the funniest blunt things in a loud voice) is not good at encouraging us to do our problem set..
"If I were you guys, I would spend an hour on this and then give up. It's not worth it. Who cares if you get a check plus?"
I can't find a GSI that knows what he/she is doing. It's very annoying. It kind of makes me want to go to grad school and attempt to be a good one. Don't laugh! :(

::siiiiiiiiiiiigh::

i like how everyone blames the other party. i call telecheck, telecheck says it's the bank's fault. i call the bank, the bank says it's amazon's fault. now i have to call amazon...

the walls of my room are thin.

2.9?

I RAN ALMOST 3 MILES TODAY!!
Yeah, that was pretty cool... I've never been able to do that.

It's funny, the kind of things I believe in. I'm finding that they disappear, collapse, at the drop of a word, a conversation, a fickle emotion. The Lord seems to be exposing this part of the world for what it is and exposing me for what I trust in and care for. I have to admit in spite of being proven wrong too many times already, hope is hard to kill, and each time claims it is more special than the previous. I guess I'll find out later. I'm kind of protective of that hope though, in spite of how hopeless it is. Irony?

Thankfully, God is the tiller of the earth in our heart, removing the rocks and thorny places as we give our hearts to Him.

I don't understand? But.

Before you get the answer, you get the Answer;
Before you get the things you ask for, you get the One;
Before you get the object, you get the Person;
Before you get the answer, you get the Lord.

• Cast all your anxiety with Him.
  Give them, commit them, throw them once for all.
  Throw your whole life with all its cares on Him
  Because it matters to Him concerning you.

Happy Pi Day.

I miss math team, Branhobbtog, putting the func in function, CT, math bowl, Bakersfield, uh oh hotdog, when people got excited over CamLs. . .
Anyway. That's just in mind of today. 3.1415926...

word of the semester..
Aletheia (not hidden).
The unconcealing.
I deleted text messages throughout ISF lecture today because I was falling asleep.

I am the way.. the reality.. and the life.................

Is it just me that's too sensitive and..

other people are just a lot better at distilling (?) awkwardness?

Sometimes when everyone around is laughing, I feel pressure to be as everyone else is. It's kind of ironic, really..

After spending so much time on that essay..

I'm all written out. But I will attempt to blog a little bit, nonetheless.

Just wanted to say.. that I'm encouraged! The Lord loves so much. And His blood is the basis on which we can come to Him. His blood is what makes it all okay to God. To God!!!!! A lot of times, I don't feel it, but on God's side, I know, everything has to be okay. If we confess, He is faithful to forgive.

And it's happyfying (haha?) to hear others growing... and speaking of what Christ they've seen in the midst of the suffering.

It's hard to write, I feel like there's so much in me that wants to vomit itself out and yet I can't just go on a stream of consciousness....

It's late, time to sleep!

<3

We love, because He first loved us.

Without You Lord I have no chance
To be like You in this romance
But You chose me ere the world began
Nothing could change your plan.

That the country girl would go from pursuing after her king with all the effort she had, to the Shulamite leaning on her beloved...
as a picture of us with Christ.. in our walk with God.. to go from our effort to trusting and leaning and depending on Him.
This really touched me in small group, but I "had those butterflies" so.. yeah. (blogged.)


Without God.. I have no chance.. but.. God loved me. God chose me. O_o That is enough.. His love is what causes us to love Him back..

You loved me Lord, so very long
And with a love enduring and strong
Although I mocked and cursed You so long
You waited and prayed for me all along

Treasure in jars of clay.

Yeah.

Thoughts currently. It's 2AM. The retreat was good. I'm eating too much again. I'm questioning people's sincerity and aloof-ness, again. I'm easily annoyed and music and singing makes me happy. I guess it's like my escape from those frequent times when I ache and tense up for no particular reason. Why can't I be comfortable? I shouldn't be surprised by this. Christ is precious. I need to see this otherwise it will remain theory to me and I will choose my vain thoughts and escapades instead.

Lord, here I am.