I miss home. Actually, I really just miss my friends from high school :[ I miss the easiness of high school, the constant buzz around me, the small thing high school was. And yeah, when I look back at it, it seems totally abnormal and weird, but I still miss it. I'm writing this as I've a midterm on Thursday that I'm unprepared for. Somehow my brain feels dead. Part of me wonders if the material has really gotten harder or if I have just become more stupid. It's hard to say. Why do we blame all this on getting old, when our old professors seem to retain great amounts of information and have good memories. Is it just an excuse?
I don't like being around and yet feeling as though I am not around at all. I finally got to talk to Camille in what seems like forever. She said I seem like I'm MIA. Yeah, it certainly feels like it. I'm here, but not really here. Where am I? The irony. I thought this year it'd be like I was around more, what with all the craziness of last year somewhat dissolved, but no, I'm still busy somehow..
I want to sleep, hibernate, for a very long time. So that is that. Not sure where life is going. Talked to someone next to me in Econ class. Somehow it seems as if I haven't really talked to anyone like that in awhile. About what, you say? I don't know, it was a pretty random conversation. It surprises me to how much people will say sometimes. Or how much I can say sometimes. I surprise myself by telling people that the other chair is better than the one they're sitting in cause that one has a spring or something.. and they laugh a little but they say thanks, anyway. And it doesn't bother me. First question, Chinese? Yeah. Are you half? Half Japanese. And then somehow we started talking about how he's going to Shanghai and what Hong Kong is like. It was rather spontaneous, I guess, which I miss. I'm tired of forced routines, which tend to happen when everyone around you is a stranger. Well, he was a stranger but I guess some strangers are easier to talk to than others. (Guys?) Why does that have to be the case? Ugh. There's this girl I sit next to in music class sometimes.. I've asked her where she's from and what her major is, but I can't even remember now. I hate that I don't remember. What is it about girls? I can't even remember how I ever had friends in the first place. Or how lucky I was to have the friends that I had. I could be my weird self and study AP Bio while mostly everyone (except Kent!) went to the Convention dance. And it wouldn't be like, ew, what's wrong with her. I mean maybe, but not in a way that was like.. I don't know, you know how people can be sometimes.
Somehow my breath feels short, like I don't know how to breathe. How can I not know how to breathe? We're constantly breathing. But at certain moments like during prayer time it'll just become all the more noticeable to me and I'll feel myself really uncomfortably grabbing for air. What's going on?
Sometimes I want to jump on a plane and fly across the world just .. just out of curiosity. Japan. I still want to go there, in spite of what Shelly said about it. Or Korea. Or London.. who knows though. Maybe I will one semester..
I miss home.. I miss the clean wide streets which are empty and safe.. the palm trees and driving. I miss running. I haven't ran in so long. I don't know why I'm writing all this.. just to get it out, I guess. I'm clueless, probably lost, at least I can admit that. I haven't the confidence that others have, I guess that's the cynicism talking. I don't know, I don't knoww. I'm fluctuating and I just want something stable. It doesn't have to be that great, just stable.
And lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have IAnd I don't want you to know where I am, cause then you'll see my heart, in the saddest state its ever been..
