Line of Sight

I like how I'm in my professor's perfect line of sight and that doesn't stop me from falling asleep in Econ class.

I wanted badly to skip lecture and just sleep in today, but upon waking up to find ants beside my bed, I'm glad that I opted to go to class.

There are more ants beside my bed now. I like how in order to kill off the ants, first you need to set a bait and attract even more of them.

So here I am, whining about my annoyances. And I feel like He's asking me, what about Me, Esther? And I'm thinking, yeah.. what about these years that I said were just for Him? What about loving Him? And I'm thinking, yeah, God .. that's right. I feel as though He is somewhat reclaiming my initial consecration to Him of these college years .. or completing it a little bit more.

Today in ISF, my Professor asked the question
(by the way, I did not realize how incredibly philosophical a class that is supposed to fill philosophy&values actually is.)
"What are we?"
To which the class was incredibly silent for a little while..
In my head I was thinking, WE'RE VESSELS TO CONTAIN GOD!
And then a red-faced girl shot her hand up and said
"We are animals with the ability to reason"
To which the professor said something like
"ohhh I don't think Nietzche would like that."

So I don't forget.

House meeting was good today. And so is confessing.

How can I keep from singing?

Sing-ing sing-ing sing-ing..

why is performing and watching others perform so fun? O_o

siigh.................

i dig myself the same holes and jump in. it's annoying to know when you are being irrational, and yet not be able to change the way you impulsively feel based upon that rationalization going on in your mind.

i feel like i'm trying kimchee for the fifth time and finding out again that i don't like it. every single time it shows up on my table, i try it thinking that maybe this time, i'll like it. and every single time, i am met by the same spicy fermented taste. i wince, and tell myself to not try it again. but by the next time, i've forgotten, and kimchee looks appetizing once more.

you're just too good to be true....

Rain rain, go away, come again another day.

The flower bloomed! I didn't know that flowers still bloomed after you cut them away from their source and give them the sterile vase and water environment, but apparently they do. So now I have two lovely orange flowers brightening up my room. Yay. I hate the rain.

I don't know if Emii reads this, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I miss our days in our ap classes, relating everything to our bubble of lurv and things.

Ugh, blogger's block.

Words, words, words.

At times, she's like a wound up music box, ready to release a song on autopilot, whether or not that song is pleasing to the listener's ear. Once released, the song leaves lasting impressions on the listener. The music box either is brought home, or left and never seen again. A Giffen good.

I have a lot of studying of microeconomics to do between now and next week.
And tomorrow(today) you'll find us there. We'll be dozing off and it'll be staggered, too.
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy.

And how..

I don't know what the general feeling is.. but it seems to me that we've reached a point in the semester where left and right everyone is.. under some sort of pressure. As for me, I'm a little tired of attempting to deal with saccharin in a way that isn't met with .. That's a bad analogy. Saccharin really isn't that bad.. Aspartame, on the other hand..

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm actually doing more damage when I attempt to help. :/

Something's happened but what is it? .. and what needs to change?

These are my feelings.

That is, that my mind is the biggest rebel there was. (K, possibly an exaggeration) As much as on the surface, I know things are 'right', and I agree.. at least at a cerebral level.. Yet, at the same time, inside me there are the bitter, pessimistic, cynical, suspicious ...thoughts? No, not thoughts, that's still shallow. Just a yucky feeling of.. I have no idea? Something inside? I don't want to say core. And then follows rejection. Why? I'm brought back to this point of wanting and not wanting. Tired to the point of apathy. I want to believe it's because everything mentioned just felt like further .. things that I had to do, were supposed to do, and therefore I'm right in reacting the way I did. But, that's probably not true, because what are the chances? And when would that kind of reaction ever be 'correct'? Chances are, if that's what's coming out at this particular time from particular mouths in particular context, chances are.. it's probably something I should be listening to and not pessimistic about. So, I admit that, though I can't be sorry because that would mean that I would go back and do differently if I could, and ... that doesn't make much sense. blah, blah blah. Honestly, though? This too shall pass. I might also be pms-ing.

Now that I've gotten all that out..

There's one sentence that helped. And I know, it's weird, putting this after all of that. But if not now, then when?

(Galatians 2:20 footnote 5)

In contrast to the way we live the physical and soulish life, we live the divine life not by sight nor by feeling. The divine life, the spiritual life in our spirit, is lived by the exercise of faith, which is stimulated by the presence of the life-giving Spirit.

I need God. "I" hate hate hate saying that. But really, by what else would I be able to go on? There's nothing else that can keep me. Not my natural inclination towards some ideal state, towards being a stranger, towards ethics, towards a social life, towards religion.

When you find yourself struggling to find a simple job..

Oo yume star oO: why am i going to college again? haha
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: uh so you can create a better life for yourself?
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haha
Oo yume star oO: >__<
Oo yume star oO: haha
Oo yume star oO: i dont know
Oo yume star oO: alot of times i feel like
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: opening businesses and stuff doesnt require a degree but you work hard
Oo yume star oO: this berkeley degree
Oo yume star oO: is not going to get me anywhere
Oo yume star oO: haha
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haha
Oo yume star oO: seriouslyyy.
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: well its not just the degree
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: you have to do other things and stuff
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: its all about connections yo
Oo yume star oO: likkkeee?
Oo yume star oO: haha
Oo yume star oO: i have no connectionsss.
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: thats why you do stuff to get connections
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: internships
Oo yume star oO: great
Oo yume star oO: haha
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: volunteer
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: alumni associations
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: ect
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haha
Oo yume star oO: stuff i dont hav etime for
Oo yume star oO: lol
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haha
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: whers your time at?
Oo yume star oO: eh..
Oo yume star oO: clearly i have other priorities
Oo yume star oO: haha
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: lol
Oo yume star oO: it's okay
Oo yume star oO: i'll be content
Oo yume star oO: with my box
Oo yume star oO: on the street
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haha
Oo yume star oO: and maybe if i get lucky
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: will you now?
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haha
Oo yume star oO: haha
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: life as a bum gets hard
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: haah
Oo yume star oO: there's always the good ole gold digger route..
Oo yume star oO: just kidding
Oo yume star oO: sort of
Oo yume star oO: okay i have to go
Oo yume star oO: work on my housewife cooking skills
Oo yume star oO: just in case
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: hahaa
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: ok
emiiiiiiiiiiiii: good luck
Oo yume star oO: *BAWL* ok.


four pm, it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!

disclaimer.. gold digger idea grosses me out but it's funny to say it and make myself feel a liiiiiittle better. not much, as being one means other things.. ummmmmmmm.
honestly though? i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.......
i wish i could sit around and make music and play with photoshop all day and live off of that. *wishful thinking*

"Father..

Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven"


two words today.

GOD'S WILL.

and a sentence that popped out from Let Us Pray

"We do not come to God by bringing our 'unworthiness' to Him. Rather it is Christ who takes our hand and leads us to the Father"

xing dao xing

i'd rather have not been corrected because now that leaves me more critical.
umm. i have issues. hence leading to a long conversation with annie instead of reading madame bovary (book about some girl with lots of problems cause she's got unrealistic fantasies! Hm, sound familiar?) which i need to read by thursday. hoorah! but.. there's hope. yeah, it's so 'uncool' to say that but too bad.

-_-

head.

This is my 100th post here!

Whoo whoo!!! It's not a good idea to leave your economics problem set to the very last day unless you want to be up until six am and get three hours of sleep and be falling asleep in class..

My ISF professor cracks me up. He looks like a shark. You know how everyone can kind of be likened to some animal of some sort? Yeah. I haven't been that amused in class for awhile. He always asks questions which aren't .. politically incorrect, well.. maybe they are, but more than that. And it's just funny. I wrote some of them down in my notebook. I haven't done that since AP Gov and AP Calc BC days. Awwww.

Blogging is kind of frustrating now. I feel like I can't adequately express myself anymore so it's annoying to write. Either that or my standards have gotten higher.. which is lame. :[ POUT. I think I just have what they call a skewed sense of history. I tend to remember the past as better than it really was. There was this one time where I remembered this picture I had drawn as a kid of the aristocats on a piano. And I was wondering, where is that picture, I remember it being really good! Or at least, I remember thinking it was really good? And when I found it, it was like, really? This is it? How come it's not as I had remembered? Funny how perception changes as you grow older.

So what do you say to the little kid who really thinks her drawing is super awesome? I remember showing it to my mom after I had proudly finished it, who to my disappointment showed little interest..

=O

what is balance?

Choices, choices, we must all make choices

good ones, bad ones, choices every day

hahaha, children's mtg songs!!! Those were fun when they were fun and didn't mean too much to me. But now that we actually do have to make choices, it's hard to just sing a song about it. Today the choice is Southeast Asian Studies against English 166. I think English 166 will be more fun, but.. but.. that leaves me with a not so pretty schedule both structurally and possibly work-wise as well, though I can't be sure until we get back our short papers next Tuesday. NEXT TUESDAY. Jenn and I look at each other like, she's kidding right? noo!!

My English professor is so funny in a cute way haha.. her husband and dog came in today.. and she was describing how she met her husband .. the first blue-eyed guy she'd ever seen and the first time she'd ever been in a room with boys who weren't her brothers (she went to an all girls school), one thing led to another, two weeks later they were holding hands and that was like losing her virginity to her.. and so they got married on top of a coffee shop in a lawyer's office with two witnesses from where they had lunch? i'm not sure if i caught that correctly. hahaha. I guess you had to be there for the way she said it. And the dog! So cute. One of those butterfly eared fluffy yappy small dogs.

I finally got to visit Shelly today :) that made me happy to finally get to talk to her and see her. we sort of mutually ranted about how after awhile when people keep talking about boys it gets annoying, or rather i think she said something like "i don't think he's cute, so what am i supposed to say when they keep sending pictures of him to me??" and i was like "yeah i feel bad" and she's like "i don't." hahaha. going to go over and make packages tomorrow. yay, exciting. i'll finally get to mail out a package like i've wanted to forever. well, first i need money...

//edit//
oops, i lied, the song actually goes..
"big ones, small ones, choices everyday" ... no wonder it's a childrens' song!

Things I wish I still knew how to do/kept learning

Job search is boo.
I wish I still knew how to code HTML by hand. Tables, frames, CSS. And that I had kept going with Javascript, PHP, mySQL, Photoshop?, etc. This is basically a list so that I don't forget sometime in the future when I decide that I want to pick stuff up again.

The Piggy Bank.

She sits there, her tilted concave down graphs raised over baby black circles that look into everyone around her. A sliver of space lies on top of her back, shaped to be the choice spot for the weights to be dropped onto.

Someone is coming over to me. I watch her hand pass over instead to the open, unsuspecting gap above my shoulders. I can not see her hand anymore. The weight is dropped. A penny, then a nickel, then a dime. I hear the sound of them landing in me. It resonates clearly and I am shaken by the feeling of them inside my previously empty casing. Proudly, I harbor them in my opaque hard shell. She turns and leaves me there, three coins heavier.

Someone is coming over to me. I watch her hand pass over instead to the open, unsuspecting gap above my shoulders. I can not see her hand anymore. The weight is dropped. Four quarters. I hear the sound of them clunking with the other coins before they are buried with them. Sitting in the dark. She turns around to leave the four quarters within me, forgetting that they are there. Her wallet is lighter. I am responsible for these weights and I can not break though I am made of glass.

She sits there, her tilted concave down graphs raised over fading black circles that glazes over everyone around her. A sliver of space lies on her back, the color around it older than the rest.

Hungry vs. Dissatisfied.

Sarah Lee sent a mass email including this portion of Emanna (emanna.com if anyone is curious)

"How are you doing?" asks Sheri at our not so weekly appointments.
"How am I doing? I don't know. That's a good question.." I reply.

!!!!!!! Currently, I think I am not so much hungry as I am just dissatisfied.. uh.. that wasn't that positive. Lately I've been nostalgic for a different kind of culture, to be absolutely vague. Meaning that I am dissatisfied. Yet at the same time, I can not say that I have an appetite. All I have is a sweet-tooth. Random thought: sitting in Econ discussion makes me wonder why I chose my major so quickly. They said high school was hard. I think I'd like to argue that as one grows, life gets harder. Wow, optimistic or what? :D There's something unnerving about this bridge in time that is being created as I go through my college years. Where am I going? Everywhere around me, it seems that people have it somewhat figured out. And I guess I have that facade too.. Often I am not open to change because of sunk costs and because of risk aversion. The latter more reasonable than the former, but the former probably being the main driving force ..

Back to the original reason why I opened up Blogger:

With all the accents still in.

> The Condition to Receive God's Blessing
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Bible Verses~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Luke 1:53 The hungry He has filled with good things, and
> the rich He has sent away empty.
> Psalm 107:9 For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth
> the hungry soul with goodness.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Words of Ministry~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> We must realize that God's blessing to man is based on one
> condition. In order for God to bless a man, he must satisfy
> one condition: he must be hungry. If we are not hungry, we
> cannot expect to receive anything from God. God's riches and
> grace are reserved for only one kind of people: those who
> are hungry. Many people are often dissatisfied and unhappy.
> However, dissatisfaction and unhappiness are not necessarily
> the same as hunger. A man may be unhappy and dissatisfied,
> yet at the same time, refuse to seek for more because he is
> not hungry even though he is dissatisfied. What does it mean
> to be hungry? It is being empty before God and feeling
> unfulfilled within. An empty and unfulfilled feeling is an
> impetus for a person to seek after God. However, if a person
> is not hungry, he can sit in the same place for days without
> doing anything. God has promised to fill only those who are
> hungry. He has not promised to fill those who are
> dissatisfied. Those who are full, that is, who think that
> they are rich, will be sent away empty-handed.
>
> Miss Barber [this writer's spiritual mentor] used to tell
> others that from her youth through her old age she had an
> eternal hunger for God. She told others that whenever her
> eyes were not set on the Lord, she would not feel hungry.
> But whenever her eyes were set on the Lord, she would be
> continually hungry before the Lord. She was hungry
> continually, and the Lord filled her continually.

Meh?

Stuck in a place of wondering why things are the way they are?
(philosopher) let's sit on benches and wonder.
Haven't the slightest clue what to do about it to fix it.
(that's the scientist's job!)
This is what I learned today in ISF 60 and this is what's bothering me right now.

It is comforting to know that in the end, all will be made clear.

Oo yume star oO: i feel like the person at the football game
Oo yume star oO: who sits on the other side of the team
Oo yume star oO: but is rooting for the other side
e z s t a r r: i think the sides are in your head

Are they?

I can't really tell what's the difference between excitement and life. If one is similar to the other, does that mean that if you don't have the one, then you probably don't have the other? No, I don't think that's logical or heuristically true.. (heh.. i don't even know what that word means..)

I don't want to be unhappy. Sometimes I think I would be perfectly fine with ignorance as long as its ignorance in bliss. Foolish, right? Right..