These are my feelings.

That is, that my mind is the biggest rebel there was. (K, possibly an exaggeration) As much as on the surface, I know things are 'right', and I agree.. at least at a cerebral level.. Yet, at the same time, inside me there are the bitter, pessimistic, cynical, suspicious ...thoughts? No, not thoughts, that's still shallow. Just a yucky feeling of.. I have no idea? Something inside? I don't want to say core. And then follows rejection. Why? I'm brought back to this point of wanting and not wanting. Tired to the point of apathy. I want to believe it's because everything mentioned just felt like further .. things that I had to do, were supposed to do, and therefore I'm right in reacting the way I did. But, that's probably not true, because what are the chances? And when would that kind of reaction ever be 'correct'? Chances are, if that's what's coming out at this particular time from particular mouths in particular context, chances are.. it's probably something I should be listening to and not pessimistic about. So, I admit that, though I can't be sorry because that would mean that I would go back and do differently if I could, and ... that doesn't make much sense. blah, blah blah. Honestly, though? This too shall pass. I might also be pms-ing.

Now that I've gotten all that out..

There's one sentence that helped. And I know, it's weird, putting this after all of that. But if not now, then when?

(Galatians 2:20 footnote 5)

In contrast to the way we live the physical and soulish life, we live the divine life not by sight nor by feeling. The divine life, the spiritual life in our spirit, is lived by the exercise of faith, which is stimulated by the presence of the life-giving Spirit.

I need God. "I" hate hate hate saying that. But really, by what else would I be able to go on? There's nothing else that can keep me. Not my natural inclination towards some ideal state, towards being a stranger, towards ethics, towards a social life, towards religion.