Home Sweet Home

yayyy i'm home!! dude. i have so many things to blog about, it's amazzziinggg. traveling does that, i guess.

i wrote a bunch of stuff down in my notebook. let's just say.. in short, since according to my brother i'm supposed to make him a smoothie before he can study (WHATEVER) .. i'll finish this blog later.

i made a friend with a black girl who was being talked to by some drunk (bloodshot eyes, yes?) guys at the station "You should be a model", and she's nice so she talked to them.. (I'm glad I'm not pretty! haha)
Anyway we ended up talking and sitting on the train together, I found out she was a Christian. Though that kind of stopped there, but it was still cool, nonetheless.
Our initial conversation kind of went like this
her: And he was like 'i don't bite' .. like, wrong thing to say
I was like thinking.. you probably do bite!"
I had it all planned out, I was gonna be like 'Hey Megan!! Long time no see!' ..
me: You totally should've!!
her: Really? I wasn't sure how you'd react and you were on the phone..

I had talked to Yuning, woken up Kathleen (i thought she was in a different time zone, but she wasn't!) and Kent..


My cousin gave me a hug without reservation (AW) and has grown out of pink and likes green (YES! conversion.) and just now, Esther made me take this test and most obviously i got this result .. I've done these jung things so many times i can guess what people are :P .. sometimes. if i know them well enough.

ok.. time to be productive. i hope my brother doesn't fail stats cause i didn't make him a smoothie. :O

mom: your bangs are too long, let me cut them
me: noo. i think i'll cut it in berkeley. should i cut my hair short? but it doesn't look good short..
bro: who are you trying to look good for?
me: *rolls eyes .. so protective* myself!

then my mom tells me that gong-gong (my gpa, her dad) likes her hair short, but
do you know why i have my hair long now *points in direction of daddy*, daddy likes my hair long, i like my hair short, it's like a broom.
i cracked up when she said that. broom, eh?
then she tried to give me some of her old pantalones that don't fit her anymore..
"*something something* becoming a middle age woman *something * need to lose weight what do i do?"
dad: yun dong! (exercise)
i laugh.
mom is like let's go take a walk! is it still hot outside?
dad doesn't want to. so much for yun dong.
hahaha.

mom: you painted your nails
me: i knew you were gonna comment on that. i had a wedding yesterday!
mom laughs at me. she doesn't buy it. booo.

sometimes, more so when i'm home, i get intense feelings like i love something but i don't know what it is, because it seems silly to me. it's a reaction to words on a page that resonate with me, or something likewise small. and it feels silly to me, so i keep it to myself, knowing that i'll only be met with misunderstanding.. but those are the times when i want to say that i love ___, except i don't know what ___ is. sometimes i wish i could write faster, so i could catch and remember things, but my mind runs too fast for the page and by the time i've written words down.. a thought is forgotten. my notebook is still upstairs, so i'll get to that tomorrow.
home is weird. i feel happy, and i want to cry, at the same time. i know.. i know it sounds crazy. but it's okay. i wish i could write for a living. but i think if i did, i would be swept away into a sea of words and then i would never get out...

i rode on the train today, and we passed by a very muddy swamp. filled with tires. i thought to myself, that must be what my heart looks like. but it was right next to a blue body of water filled with gentle waves.

the air smells different here. it's scary seeing things change, even if it's in a positive way. it makes me think, what's going to happen? what's supposed to happen? what if i don't want it to happen that way? And then, God, what are You doing? I fluctuate in what I want so fast that I ask for things, and later regret that I asked for them.. in short, being at home confuses me. it's not that i'm necessarily a different person at home.. i don't think that's true. i have more time, less to worry about, more happy people (haha, i'm sorry berkeley, but it's true) .. just today, Mom and I ran into Tiffany's mom who was telling us how her younger daughter doesn't want to go to Berkeley after hearing about all the crimes that have been happening this year. seriously.

how long will i try to reform myself to what i think God wants me to be? sometimes i try so hard to be void of intense emotion, but it leaves me kind of drained.. it physically hurts to be among a crowd, sometimes.

so three words from Jess and Seng's wedding:
reconsecration, love, opening

i was pretty amused .. amused is not the right word.. by his words about reconsecration, since someone else had said this to me earlier this month, when i was asking them a question .. or rather, opening something up to them..
it's easy to give, but it's hard to follow up. i'll focus on the giving part, now.
Lord, I give these next four years to You.