Schedules

Have been on my mind lately.
I say this just in case some kind soul would like to pray for me.. haha. =X

This is the start of something new..

It feels so right, to be here with you.

Disclaimer:
I do not mean this in the sense of the original context of the song. The lyrics just fit for what I thought of right now.

Hm. Is that wrong?

I'm looking at my wall right now.
It says.

JESUS IS ALIVE.

"parting is such sweet sorrow"

Is that how the cliche goes?

As one day in rhetoric has taught me..

"I exaggerate."

So today someone made an offer on a novel from my first semester of English. Instead of being happy, I was a little bit saddened. Yeah this sounds lame, but I liked this book! And in my haste to get rid of it, I had set the price incredibly low. I'm attempting not to sound ridiculous but I think it's a little inevitable with this topic.

Who cares about their first novel that they read in college, even if it was a good one? I guess I have good memories attached to it. Attempting to be social, raising my hand a lot in class, my funny professor with an Indian accent who was so cute when she got excited about words like "plunge" because of the sound associated with the meaning. A bunch of freshmen stuck in extension, not exactly real Berkeley students. The African American vernacular, class, love, jealousy, voice, the horizon, the present, reliving, emotion, virtual death of Nanny and what she stood for, "Tea Cake", sweetness.

Janie's first dream was dead, so she became a woman.

Aye, there's the rub.

I'm finding myself falling asleep next to my Economics book, and catch myself beginning to drool. This is another way of saying that within the first week of school I'm already tired and longing for another break. I think I'm like a battery that needs to be alone in order to be recharged to go out into the world again. As stupid as that sounds.

Life is life is life is..

a funny thing.

the retreat. good. definitely. it was releasing just to talk and forget about formality. group times. and a lot of times everything that was spoken. it was like.. this is my condition, this is what i need.. this is exactly what i need to hear.

to forget about being religious, to forget about being complicated, to forget all these thoughts we have of living two lives. to accept the truth that we are simple because we can enjoy God. He's all we need. And He wants to feed us. He came to be life to us.

Feed me Lord Jesus
Give me to drink
Fill all my hunger
Quench all my thirst
Flood me with joy
Be the strength of my life
Fill all my hunger
Quench all my thirst

Besides this, on my mind there are things but I've determined to forget these things. To forget about even being in the "right" condition with relation to these things. Whatever that means. I can not just attempt to follow the path of another because each of our walks are different. By the grace of God I am what I am. The Lord knows what is best, the Lord gives the best, to those who love Him. I just need to love God. With all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind.

With all my mind.. that's so significant, because our minds go everywhere. At least mine does. This excerpt we read talked about it. Paraphrased. We think about how we are, how much of a failure we are, what we're going to do today, we ask the Lord to help us.. but this will only make us hardened. At first I think if I had read this a year ago, I wouldn't have understood. But this has really been my experience. Before we ran into the tree of knowledge of good and evil, we were innocent, spontaneously living by the spirit. But once our eyes were open in the wrong way, we were in our minds, praying for God to help us to be a good Christian. I know, it sounds weird, but through experience.. We lose our enjoyment and can not go on. We determined to live as a proper Christian, but it seems like the worse we become. But then maybe after a time, we can't go on anymore and cry out to the Lord. We don't know how to pray. Only "Lord". We finally touch God again.

This was my experience over winter break. I became frustrated with myself, because of how different I was when I was at home. I became hardened and angry with God, complaining that the Christian life was too difficult, asking Him for help. It was just as Witness Lee described it. Even though it seemed as though I was exercising my spirit, I was really in my mind, thinking about why I was the way I was, what to do about it, what it meant, how would I fix it... My anger stayed with me. It was not until I no longer knew how to pray did my being become soft toward God again. I fellowshipped with a sister who was going through something similar.. well we poured out our situation, our despair, but at the end I felt I had hope. I think it was her word "actually we both dont" (have the right to complain). It was true. Neither of us had the right to complain. We have God. I forgot about trying to be a person who jumped with excitement when her parents wanted to read the Bible with her.

So conclusion is. Abide in Him. (that's what the paper says! so i can say only that :P) There is no need to think, worry, or consider too much. We need to be simple and focus only on the fact that Christ is our life and that He is dwelling in us. God operates in us to do above all that we ask or think.

Praise the Lord.

Summarize.

Something's different, but I don't think it's anything in my outward environment, or even in my inward disposition. But I can feel something changing, and I think.. well. There's hope, there.

The lines from a song G posted speak of it well.

It’s time for letting go all of our if only’s
Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did...
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
Cause we are who and where and what we are, for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

March 12, 1999

I'm supposed to be packing but I found my diary from fifth grade and this made me laugh.

"Dear Diary, Today my friends asked me who I liked. If I knew I'd tell them but I don't. I hope I do soon. Today we had a game we won, 8 to 3."

May 30, 1999

"Today I saw a gawsling. I made friends with squirrels and chickmunks named Chipy-chipy, Western, Ike, Fatty, Border, and flea bag."

FLEA BAG? -_-

Cut the day in HALF.

Wake up and wish that I wasn't awake. It is easier to sleep, as whatever thoughts are buried and transformed into incoherent dreams. I can't believe I've slept this long. I forgot that there is a meeting today, and I'm currently in pajama-status clothes and frankly not ready.

Hooorayyy to Glo and Frank.
:P
Emmeline: "PICK UP CALL ME BACK important news that u really really want to know =D"

haha <3.

My initial reaction: But Glo just moved in this year!!!
Mom: It's okay, you'll get new people.

Time to wake up.

Too many terms leaves me both hungry and confused........

And wherever He entered into villages or into cities or into the countryside, they laid those who were sick in the marketplaces and begged Him that they might touch if even the fringe of His garment and as many as touched Him were made whole.
Mark 6:56

for sanity's sake

i kind of don't want to care about what other people say or think anymore.

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut that would be also stupid.

why do people have to have so many different opinions about stuff that actually matters? i don't care if you think avocados are nasty, but what about other things that might be important to you know.. my going on? your going on?
what if i went through life thinking that feeling condemnation means God's not happy with me and searching for the reason why when it probably doesn't? that would suck, right? after awhile people just give up because they think it'll never be good enough.
why do people say stuff like you're happy when God's happy, just for encouragement sake? what does that even imply?
and what does it mean to not care about doctrine and how is that different from not caring about what's in God's word? none of this post will be unified.
on the one hand, i guess people could say well it's your fault for not searching the scriptures and then on the other hand i feel like i can't approach everything with skepticism and being overly concerned with correctness, right? how am i supposed to discern? so they say use discernment, but what's the point if everyone uses discernment and comes out with different conclusions? clearly there's something wrong..
questions and doubt? seeking the truth? do those come hand in hand with each other or is it just me?
why does it seem like everything in life is about finding some balance point?
i think i'd be happier if i didn't have a mind period, but alas...... then there's always the.. turn to your spirit.. phrase.. but.. how am i supposed to do that if i can't find the train to make the train go.. and i can't do that without the tracks .. (train and tracks.. bible class.. sst, anyone)... what if i don't know what's my train and what's the things that look like my train and if i look out my train windows.. one sees the tracks in one place and one sees.. tracks in another place.. so it's like.. where does the train go, it's confused.. the analogy stops here.
what if most of the times when i pray i'm just reminded of how much farther i have to go and how lazy i am? what if after i do these things, i only have questions, a headache, and i want to cry? maybe i'm praying wrong, maybe i'm reading wrong, maybe..... but.. is it really all dependent on how? that after i read, i feel like a huge weight has been thrown on my shoulders and i haven't the ability to carry it to the finish line as i run.... so instead i run off the course cause it's easier and less emotionally draining to be ignorant.. but it's too late for that.. i always come back and that is both a loss and a win at the same time...
i want the answer to just be.. look at the Lord.. but where is He? He's embodied in His Word, right? ...... circling........ why aren't other people bothered? why is every person so content with thinking that what he has is true whether it is or isn't, and isn't phased by others when maybe they've got something to say and you're the misled one?

i'm not even sure if i should be posting this.. one.. it's embarrassing..two.. it makes absolutely no sense to anyone that might read it.. three.. who's going to answer a question like why aren't other people bothered? people will be people? suck it up and take it? the world's not perfect and neither are the people who live in it?

but.. it's probably better than letting it sit in my mind and ruin yet another day... and i wish i had someone to talk to who might understand and yet not be where i am and wouldn't be stumbled or annoyed by the hoard of questions that is me.......... -_________-

//edit//

grace: haha, no. you have every right to complain
grace: actually
grace: we both dont
Oo yume star oO: hahaha
grace: but anyway

<3.

sighh. berkeley bathroom walls in pimentel: "it's going to be okay"

Soapbox

Bitter. Why read when it only makes me annoyed? Currently angry. Will probably make up later when I go to fold laundry. Bah.

Bright side. Played with cousin today for four hours, meaning attempt to play ping pong with a first grader, meaning pick up ping pong balls, and shot hoops for the rest of the time, meaning making my brother watch me to see if I have correct form and cheering her whenever she reached a goal.

So I was rather alarmed at first when my aunt kept insisting that my cousin stay at our place to play with, not my brother, but me. Because Esther is going back on Tuesday!! After much talk, she stayed. I was thinking, oh great, I have to entertain this kid and I absolutely suck at entertaining kids. I got tired and headache-y pretty fast trying to teach her how to play ping pong. The times when she actually did serve right, I couldn't return them. Hah. And then there were the many times when we had to go seek behind a car tire. Then she played with my Polly Pocket things for awhile while I chatted with Mai and David about my inability to entertain children. Then when we went to go shoot "basketballs" (volleyball, flat basketball, a soccerball, a flat volleyball..) in the backyard, my brother came along and I didn't exactly have to "entertain" her so that was a lot easier. And I realized that I can just talk to her like normal and she gets it. I guess her English has gotten a lot better.. she has the same first grade teacher that I had when I was in first grade. Crazy, right? I feel bad though, I don't want her to get the impression that I don't like spending time with her, I just don't like trying to entertain her cause it feels so forced.

I really want to just give up but I know I can't. UGH. -_-. diligence?

Today my dear cousin, after hearing me in response to my shooting the basketball
"I can't do it!!" (one of my favorite phrases it seems in the sports sector..)
was like
"No, don't say that, say that you can do it!"
"I can do it!"
*swish*
"YEAH!!!"
Awww.. cousin. She's so funny cause she's hecka girly in the sense that she likes Disney princesses like no other (stuff that I hated as a kid.. go Pooh!) and yet she'd much rather "play" basketball and pingpong over dolls (opposite of me).

So today was the only day where I woke up around.. noon-ish. I come down and my grandma greets me and calls me "shui mei ren" (sleeping beauty) and tells me I have the same look on my face as my auntie does.. "yen jing mee mee" (eyes small) ..

-____________________________-

words.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

Luke 6:1-11

Show.
To follow the Lord, go where the Lord goes, to be fed by Him, He is the Lord of the Sabbath.
And to be delivered from religion to work instead from His initiation and life and our overflowing enjoyment of him, that is to heal our withered hand.

Home meetings have changed around a little. I still find it very awkward to ask people what their names are. So I find out by waiting for other people to address them..

Am I the only one, or does listening to the parents speak about God automatically find within a hardened ear and heart?

Nineteen year old. To be humbled...
"are you like a lamb?"

Bum de Bum.

I think I have like, ADD or something.

So I decided that I wanted to put all my sheet music into one coherent binder, but figured out it was impossible unless I got a really FAT binder.. so I'm searching for a small binder to put parts of my sheet music in. I got distracted by old Key Club stuff I found and old backpacks, and started cleaning things up and going through everything.. and then I found the scrapbook things and decided I should take some things back to Berkeley and make stuff.. and then...

.. I completely forgot why I was going through my stuff in the first place.

Things that I meant to do during break that I haven't done adequately
1) buy pens.
2) collect addresses, boxes for packages
3) compile music
4) practice piano on my lovely piano..
5) learn how to knit
6) help my brother with Stats
7) fix my skirt (nail polish?)
8) gather pastel crayons for highlighting
9) give Grace the thing I got her in Berkeley! =O
10) ..read.. (i don't really want to do this one..)

................................................

DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAHHH!!!!!!
"Don't you feel accomplished?"
I finally did something worthwhile during break!!!!
OK, so my mom did all the hard parts but I still did a lot of the sewing and it was actually pretty entertaining :D whoo hoo!!!
I'm excited I finally have an apron to wear when I cook... uhh I guess that means I have to cook now.

I should make pillows for my room in Berkeley.. HMMM.

"Who cares!! No need to be perfect"

says my mom, as I whine to her about how imperfect my cutting skills are and how the pockets aren't going to look the same and how I don't know how to measure things.

So I hate sewing. (HA)

I spent a very long time cutting butcher paper, or rather, MEASURING the butcher paper, because for some reason, after the second time around, the third time around, the fifth time....... twenty three and a half inches is NEVER the same as it was the round before.

So my mom comes in, as I am measuring like crazy, and asks me what I am doing. Then she comes up with this brilliant idea to fold the paper! FOLD! Genius!!! I'm like, wow Mom, you're smart. In my head I'm thinking, wow, I'm dumb, why didn't I think of that??? So we fold the paper, and she briskly cuts the apron pattern that I've slaved over for the past hours. I hold it up and she approves without taking a second glance. And then she goes to my apron cloth and sketches the pattern on with chalk and briskly cuts it out.

I'm thinking, what?! How can you do it so haphazardly?! My mom all the while is talking in a singsong way and saying that it doesn't have to be perfect, no one can tell, no need to be perfect, etc etc etc. Apparently I'm a perfectionist (this is news to me) and ... as my dear friend once said..

"i'm really scared cause i realized i have a lot of my mother's tendencies"
"she's crazy"

So then I move on to the pockets. Do we want square or curved? curved. I later look on with horror as she again, haphazardly folds in the cloth and irons it....

"It's okay, you're not selling this apron for a hundred dollars"
"What if I want to sell it for a hundred dollars?"
"Then first you need to make a hundred aprons.."

Yeah, what was I thinking?

Mom's telling me my supper is getting cold
"Do you want me to sew your apron?"
I think for awhile.
"Yeah."
Her eyes get big and she laughs at me.

Now the sewing machine is ticking away in the next room.
"See, it doesn't have to be perfect.."
"*whine* But I want it to be prettyyyy"

I decided that it will look scruffy in that way that cute home-made things look scruffy. hEh.

The old laptop issue

I mentioned to Mom that I want to get a new laptop. Her response went something like, "You keep mentioning that. Isn't a laptop purchase long overdue?" (Okay, not really, but that was my interpretation.)

The problem is, every time I start on the search for a new laptop I get stuck with too many options, and by the end of my search, I decide to just trek on a little longer with my 1.2 GHZ processor and possibly reformat it again when I get back in Berzerks. I hate shopping for techy things. It took me eons to pick out my camera (which I <3, so I guess that was a good thing) and it'll probably take me some more eons to pick out a new computer. The other annoying bit about techy things is that prices change with the seasons. Case in point (what does that phrase even mean? You make your point with a case?) Camera that I got for 500 or so a year ago? I go home and my mom triumphantly announces that my brother has recently got the same camera for oh, around 300.

I just checked my C drive. I only have 1.22 GB left of free space on there. (27GB harddrive) HMM. What do I even have on there?! I don't know. Possibly overdue for a clean-up slash.. I wonder if my external harddrive will work tommorow. SIGH. Electronics are so so so so bipolar. Love-hate relationship.

Umm. Ok. Wasted enough time for today.
So why not jump off the high-dive and go for the Apple?

"Mom, is 2000 dollars too much for a laptop?"
"Yes."
"okay."

So.. I guess that leaves me with.. Option 1: Macbook..
1) change? Mac Os X .. as great as people make it sound.. means.. adapting? What if i don't like stacks? D:
2) GLOSSY SCREEN? Big HMMM.
3) What's the deal with Leopard OS and Photoshop?? I tried looking this up but I just got confused. Universal blahblah CS 3 blah. By the way.. is it just me or does it seem like everyone obtains photoshop from less than legal means?
4) I think if I owned one I'd treat it like a baby.. they seem fragile (whether or not that is true.. i don't know)
5) bootcamp!!! cool.

Option 2: Some other PC (THERE ARE TOO MANY)
My parents are rooting for the <1000 Dells
I mean.. I guess, but
1) Vista? Hm... + or - ?? Though there is an option to go XP on Dell website (yeah but.. that's so counterintuitive!)
2) .... it's not as pretty? D: (bad reasoning)
3) probably will be bulkier.. ?? (probably another bad reason)

Indecision = No action = I think I'm going to be at a stalemate for a little while longer.

Time to move on to better things.

Oh. I let my Mom know that after I graduate no one's going to want to hire me so I'm going to open a shoe store which will accompany Joan's boba shop and Rebekah's Korean restaurant.
Mom: "You're graduating in..?"
Me: "two and a half years?"
Mom: "didn't you say that a year ago?"
Me: "you really wanted me to graduate early?"
Mom: "..no..(something about staying longer so i could double major in something).."
Me: "Yeah, English?"
Mom: *chuckling* *proceeds to tell Dad that he's going to be investing in my shoe store when I graduate. Dad shows little response*

Dad ignores me when I'm being an idealist. Hmmmm I wonder why.

My brother brings out the, screaming and yelling and pillow-tossing while i'm watching strongbad emails, immaturity in me. Ah, to be nineteen. And home.

For some reason I break out into uncontrollable laughter at the weirdest times.
Mom goes through the laundry and finds clean stuff with dirty stuff...
"esther, where did you get this from? *holds up sheets*"
"from your room?"
"They're clean!!"
*I burst out laughing* (what's wrong with me? i'm definitely insane.. Mom looks amused)
*trying to talk* "well i wanted to add .. more.. to the.. pile..."
Mom compliments my logic in going to find more things to put into the laundry but reminds me to ask whether or not the things are clean and dirty. I keep laughing.

Then it's who gets to wash the dishes.
At first Mom says "okay Esther you clean up the kitchen."
Me "What? okay."
I start to wash the dishes and realize my burnt thumb and hot water don't go together well: "MOOMMMM i can't wash dishes my thumb hurtssss"
My brother starts laughing at me and mocking me and I start laughing and protesting against his mockery....
After awhile (i think she was sorting through the messed up laundry) Mom speaks
"Okay Joseph go wash dishes"
"NOOOOOOOOOO" and we both start cracking up..
I don't know how my Mom takes us seriously when we both laugh so much*

So I run upstairs, Mom attempts to get my brother to go wash the dishes, who runs into my room:
"MY THUMB HURTSSS I CANT WASH THE DISHESSSSSS..!!! well guess what MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORKKK!!!"

And I still can't hear the sink water running. :D

oh there it goes
Brother is trying to use my line and pointing at my ridiculousness*
"*whine* Mommaa my finger hurts"
"don't lie ha."

* (my thumb really does hurt and I WILL do the dishes tommorow) -_-

What not to put in a microwave?

So I ask my brother if porcelain is okay in the microwave. He says of course, says something about lava, and I proceed to stick Mom's porcelain plates into the microwave with my breakfast at 12pm. Apparently these plates must not be porcelain or that platinum lining is some cause for concern because they got extremely hot when I attempted to take the plate out of the microwave 20 seconds later. I now have a nice burn on my thumb and know not to trust my brother when it comes to microwaving. Proceed to tell the brother that if I hear his dorm room has burned down, I'll know why.

I did look up porcelain and microwaving afterwards. Supposedly it's safe unless the porcelain has gold or silver lining. What about platinum?

My thumb is still burning so it's hard to type. (I have a low pain threshold apparently)

still sick. does anyone know how to make a bad phlegm-y cough go away? and my stomach keeps rejecting food. -_-

Reading

about other people's drama makes me remember .... the reason why I always avoided places like these and people like you

Ten points to whoever guesses where that's from. Just kidding.

Home

It's hard at home. Nothing is ever as cracked up as I make it out to be in my delirious because I am still sick, mind. D: Some things I find in this place that I don't find in others:

Lack of self-consciousness. It's strange, really.. Maybe it has to do with how familiar everything and everyone is. How established the friendships are?

Incredible LAZINESS. Berkeley makes me long for productivity. Here, I think about it and don't do anything.

Sick. I'm still sick. And it's been a week. Alright, so I haven't been contributing much to a possible uhh.. recuperation, but, still........ it's been a week!

Overcast emo. It might be the haircut. when i go home it always feels as if anything i learned, any growth the seed might've had, goes kaput. .. no roots? meh.

CAR! Driving is nice. :D and adventurous always..... ;)

Thinking up scenarios in my head of different conversations with people and thinking of how they would react..

okay.. no point in bloggingg. time to return to sleep.

Hello, 8D

So I'm doing blogger duty and posting on New Year's Day. Half an hour has passed since I heard fireworks going off. It is 37 degrees outside.

I really don't have too much to say. Well I'm sure stuff will come out but I'm half afraid that what will come out at this point and time will be pessimistic. (Is it because I just read Emmeline's blog? Yeah, scapegoat). Alright, so New Years isn't exciting, besides that I need to see certain people.. Camille, Emii, for starters, before they go back to their quarter-system schools.

Feels like writer's block. Cami and Alan came by and brought me boba cause I was supposed to hang out with people but then my parents said not to get other people sick and plus I was feeling kinda icky anyway. Will probably sleep after this. Anyway.. it's always really cute when people call and are like.. are you home? go open your front door. awwww. Thanks guys.

Currently I am in a state of .. I think it's a mix of self-pity coupled with lacking esteem and a small amount of envy. One of those "I wish I didn't care so much" or "I wish I..." or.. "Why am I..." etc etc etc.

I guess this leads me to New Years resolution number

Uno) Learn that there is a word called "self-control" and that spontaneity is not always positive.

I guess these New Year Resolutions could also be called .. Observations: What Esther Failed At in 2007. :D



It's 12:45. Need to sleep by one. For starters.

Dos) Sleep earlier. Earlier.. Let us be specific. We'll start with Emmeline's idea. At least before two. (dos! .. it fits nicely.)

Tres) To read more. And carefully.

Quatro) To wake up earlier. This goes along with number two. Let's say earlier is, before class starts.

Cinco) Have my value system changed.

Seis) Find some sort of balance between wanting people to be happy and being a doormat.

Siete) Seven means completion right? To give God the room to do what He will this year and cooperate with Him.

Alright. I'm bored. Goodnight.