for sanity's sake

i kind of don't want to care about what other people say or think anymore.

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut that would be also stupid.

why do people have to have so many different opinions about stuff that actually matters? i don't care if you think avocados are nasty, but what about other things that might be important to you know.. my going on? your going on?
what if i went through life thinking that feeling condemnation means God's not happy with me and searching for the reason why when it probably doesn't? that would suck, right? after awhile people just give up because they think it'll never be good enough.
why do people say stuff like you're happy when God's happy, just for encouragement sake? what does that even imply?
and what does it mean to not care about doctrine and how is that different from not caring about what's in God's word? none of this post will be unified.
on the one hand, i guess people could say well it's your fault for not searching the scriptures and then on the other hand i feel like i can't approach everything with skepticism and being overly concerned with correctness, right? how am i supposed to discern? so they say use discernment, but what's the point if everyone uses discernment and comes out with different conclusions? clearly there's something wrong..
questions and doubt? seeking the truth? do those come hand in hand with each other or is it just me?
why does it seem like everything in life is about finding some balance point?
i think i'd be happier if i didn't have a mind period, but alas...... then there's always the.. turn to your spirit.. phrase.. but.. how am i supposed to do that if i can't find the train to make the train go.. and i can't do that without the tracks .. (train and tracks.. bible class.. sst, anyone)... what if i don't know what's my train and what's the things that look like my train and if i look out my train windows.. one sees the tracks in one place and one sees.. tracks in another place.. so it's like.. where does the train go, it's confused.. the analogy stops here.
what if most of the times when i pray i'm just reminded of how much farther i have to go and how lazy i am? what if after i do these things, i only have questions, a headache, and i want to cry? maybe i'm praying wrong, maybe i'm reading wrong, maybe..... but.. is it really all dependent on how? that after i read, i feel like a huge weight has been thrown on my shoulders and i haven't the ability to carry it to the finish line as i run.... so instead i run off the course cause it's easier and less emotionally draining to be ignorant.. but it's too late for that.. i always come back and that is both a loss and a win at the same time...
i want the answer to just be.. look at the Lord.. but where is He? He's embodied in His Word, right? ...... circling........ why aren't other people bothered? why is every person so content with thinking that what he has is true whether it is or isn't, and isn't phased by others when maybe they've got something to say and you're the misled one?

i'm not even sure if i should be posting this.. one.. it's embarrassing..two.. it makes absolutely no sense to anyone that might read it.. three.. who's going to answer a question like why aren't other people bothered? people will be people? suck it up and take it? the world's not perfect and neither are the people who live in it?

but.. it's probably better than letting it sit in my mind and ruin yet another day... and i wish i had someone to talk to who might understand and yet not be where i am and wouldn't be stumbled or annoyed by the hoard of questions that is me.......... -_________-

//edit//

grace: haha, no. you have every right to complain
grace: actually
grace: we both dont
Oo yume star oO: hahaha
grace: but anyway

<3.

sighh. berkeley bathroom walls in pimentel: "it's going to be okay"