Life is life is life is..

a funny thing.

the retreat. good. definitely. it was releasing just to talk and forget about formality. group times. and a lot of times everything that was spoken. it was like.. this is my condition, this is what i need.. this is exactly what i need to hear.

to forget about being religious, to forget about being complicated, to forget all these thoughts we have of living two lives. to accept the truth that we are simple because we can enjoy God. He's all we need. And He wants to feed us. He came to be life to us.

Feed me Lord Jesus
Give me to drink
Fill all my hunger
Quench all my thirst
Flood me with joy
Be the strength of my life
Fill all my hunger
Quench all my thirst

Besides this, on my mind there are things but I've determined to forget these things. To forget about even being in the "right" condition with relation to these things. Whatever that means. I can not just attempt to follow the path of another because each of our walks are different. By the grace of God I am what I am. The Lord knows what is best, the Lord gives the best, to those who love Him. I just need to love God. With all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind.

With all my mind.. that's so significant, because our minds go everywhere. At least mine does. This excerpt we read talked about it. Paraphrased. We think about how we are, how much of a failure we are, what we're going to do today, we ask the Lord to help us.. but this will only make us hardened. At first I think if I had read this a year ago, I wouldn't have understood. But this has really been my experience. Before we ran into the tree of knowledge of good and evil, we were innocent, spontaneously living by the spirit. But once our eyes were open in the wrong way, we were in our minds, praying for God to help us to be a good Christian. I know, it sounds weird, but through experience.. We lose our enjoyment and can not go on. We determined to live as a proper Christian, but it seems like the worse we become. But then maybe after a time, we can't go on anymore and cry out to the Lord. We don't know how to pray. Only "Lord". We finally touch God again.

This was my experience over winter break. I became frustrated with myself, because of how different I was when I was at home. I became hardened and angry with God, complaining that the Christian life was too difficult, asking Him for help. It was just as Witness Lee described it. Even though it seemed as though I was exercising my spirit, I was really in my mind, thinking about why I was the way I was, what to do about it, what it meant, how would I fix it... My anger stayed with me. It was not until I no longer knew how to pray did my being become soft toward God again. I fellowshipped with a sister who was going through something similar.. well we poured out our situation, our despair, but at the end I felt I had hope. I think it was her word "actually we both dont" (have the right to complain). It was true. Neither of us had the right to complain. We have God. I forgot about trying to be a person who jumped with excitement when her parents wanted to read the Bible with her.

So conclusion is. Abide in Him. (that's what the paper says! so i can say only that :P) There is no need to think, worry, or consider too much. We need to be simple and focus only on the fact that Christ is our life and that He is dwelling in us. God operates in us to do above all that we ask or think.

Praise the Lord.