heart=

soil=
in need of much tilling.

Macro Economics

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I can't study :( lol. And...................... I don't care.

:( And I'm so in trouble for my midterm tomorrow. Tomorrow has two r's and one m. Who knew?

I need to get my priorities straight.

I don't think I can study in the SC... it just makes me want to sleep or play or be silly and chatter with a certain person who I wont emmeline name.

I need protein haha.. my muscles are DYING. Okay no. But they are really sore. It's sad how unbelievably sore I am from using 3-pound weights (yeah!!!) and running on a treadmill. Emmeline wants me to do Bay the Breakers .. or was it Break the Bayers? hahaha.. Yeah right.. We decided that by the end of the year, maybe I'll be up to the 5-pound weights instead of the 3's. I like how I'm so weak I can't do most of the exercises correctly cause I crutch by using the wrong muscles. It's involuntary, I promise.

It's 2AM.

I like editing people's papers. I think it'd be fun to be an English teacher. But that's kind of scary, because English teachers tend to be.. well............


... weird. :O or scary.

Freshman year of hs - scary
sophomore year - weird.. but she was reallyy cool :P
jr year.. scary.
sr year.. weird, but really funny

yeah.. I don't know why I keep planning things. Most of the time these plans that go on in my head amount to nothing in the practical sense and become mere fancies that blow away with the wind. Hahaha.

Sometimes I don't know if something is really cheesy sounding, or if I've just become so averse to anything that might border on cheesy that I slam down all happy words such as fascinating and wondrous.

You know what's a fun word to say? Naive. And it's fun to spell too. Especially with the accent on top. I like how words sound like the way they mean. Like "plunge". Like the sun plunging into the horizon.

Goodnight.........

Okay it always feels weird blogging about tons of things that have no relation to each other.. anyway..
reading my friend's blog really encouraged me.. that God can give us peace and take away our anxiety. I guess that's a big one for me. *points to tense muscles* and to love. I always thought it was easy to love. Then I wonder if it has really become harder, or if I'm just being exposed more.

I don't like being self-conscious. It's so strange, how different I feel in different settings. In physics discussion I asked the other two in my group about their breaks.. and it didn't seem weird at all. But then I know in other contexts, I would feel really shy about asking .. just cause I feel like people expect something else or would assume blahblahblah whatever. And today in music, I randomly went over to another group to help them prepare for their final cause my group members were all gone. From the outside, it probably looked pretty weird that I just came over and asked them what they were doing... but it didn't feel weird at all. Stuff like this confuses me mucho.

I think I've been around norcal people too long.. some of their vocabulary is starting to creep into my thoughts. creep. that sounds so.. creep..y.

Now Blogger saves your drafts automatically!

you know what's sad, remaximizing aim windows and realizing that everyone signed off without saying bye and probably are sleeping already.

(i need to go to sleep.. now.)

Part of me wants to change my major to English. The other part of me is extremely intimidated by the idea. I just don't think I'm cut out for English here in Berkeley. It's not that I dislike Econ (okay maybe right now I do and a lot of times I sit in class and wonder if anyone else is as bored as I am), but I do think doubling might be cutting it too close. I guess I could always try and then not finish one of them. Then there's Psych. Well, I don't think I want to do Psych even though Emii is convinced that she can see me doing it .. yeah.. but of course. English is less science-y, though :P Eh.. being indecisive sucks.

So there were two lions and..

One of them doesn't have claws and so doesn't pose a threat.
The end.

I've decided that Justin is so mean to the point where it has a numbing effect and then just becomes funny.

On the other side of the story, and now I know how it feels.

On the other hand..
definitely need something prevailing and definite and to set my mind on the things which are above. Why do I always feel like stuff like that has to wait? wait, until what?!? Until after finals?! Aiyo.

"Lord, here I am"

Quite Frankly.

Indecision is definitely the key to flexibility.
It's also the key to getting nothing done.

So yeah... that was saddening...

On a bright note, .. I almost went back to fret over something but then caught myself and decided it wasn't worth it. That wasn't my bright note. It sucks feeling victorious over something you feel unvictorious over for feeling victorious over. If you get what I mean.

On a bright note, number two, I did get some running in today. That hasn't happened in awhile. I'm convinced that treadmills are lame and tracks are way better, but I think the track was closed and it's cold outside anyway.

Riverpark

It smells like barbecue in the land of the No where the centerpiece is Riverpark.

I went shopping thinking i wasn't going to buy anything.. come home with four new things.

So i don't know why i'm always the receiver end of jokes. ALWAYS. without fail. is it because i look so unintimidating? probably.

so emii and i decided to head on over to best buy after we went to target and i spent money on stuff i don't reallyyyyy need.. (but stuff that is cute enough to spend money on?) and a group of people were outside best buy. so emily sees that group and is like.. i don't really like that there's a group of people outside, or something, to that effect. so we walk a little towards the outside cause they look a little shady.
as emily and i walk past, this little kid in the group kinda shyly walks towards me and says, "robert wants to know your number"
and i kind of laugh a little cause the little kid is kinda cute in the way of "i don't want to ask you but someone made me"...... and ignore him and keep walking. i don't like when people do that to little kids.. but little kids make me smile anyway.

Thoughts

Fog and Fresno go together.

Onion pancakes are yummy.

I read something that reminded me of journaling we used to do in English class in high school. You know, I think it'd be really fun to be an English teacher.

Okay, Mom is calling.

Lord..

grant me a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the full knowledge of You.

so.. this is going to turn out as a ramble. there's so much i don't understand, and coming home, i feel a bit disappointed, annoyed, and just.... short. haha. not literally. well, my grandma thinks i've lost weight but i think i'm about the same. my parents think i gained weight. anyway. what's the deal with college students returning and commenting on looks?
what i meant was...
fallen short [of the glory of God] .. Romans?
Mom: did you repent?
yeah, it's easy to excuse yourself as just being a certain way. actually when she said that, i was like thinking.. i do notttt need a lecture right now. (or do i?) kind of frustrated and don't know how to deal with things properly because it feels like everything is so fragile. It's easier to just turn the other way and jump into the brainless things of this world. I keep thinking that once I know exactly what it is that's wrong I'll be able to fix it.. but obviously that's not the case. The woes of a psycho hypochondriac who analyzes everything. Hoooorahhhh. You know what. I don't like going to the doctor and trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Often times, by the time I get there, I feel fine. Haha. It's ridiculous. And then I go home feeling like.. what was the use of that?! Maybe this, maybe that. Here, take some painkillers. I mean.. is that the best you can do? Painkillers?
You know what I really needed? I really needed to exercise...
hey, that sounds vaguely familiar, doesn't it? ._.

good verse.



You loved me Lord, so very long
And with a love enduring and strong
Although I mocked, and cursed You so long
You waited and prayed for me all along

Care.

out
feeling
irony

it's thanksgiving day.. what does that even mean? it means i get to go to gma's and enjoy a chinese dinner.

i'm thankful.. for God. for His sovereignty. for His taking care of all things, more specifically, recent events. for His forgiveness. for His mercy. for His love. for His righteousness. for His light. for His patience. for Himself.

funny, i didn't expect that to come out. what else am i thankful for? well, nothing else matters so much..

why do we let petty differences get in between people? i don't know..

we have the Lord.. that's enough. that's.. more than enough.

i've learned a little bit this past week.. how important it is to pray.. to really press into your spirit.. to call on the Lord.. until.. until.................
and that.. the Body is precious... in reading 1 Corinthians.. it's interesting how Paul continually frames everything in the context of.. for the Body's sake.. church-conscious.. and yeah.. the Body must be one because He is one. and as we can see with today's situation.. that's difficult when all our opinions and self comes in.. but.. the Lord knits us together.. we need to care for this. me three.
and i've learned how hard it is to say sorry.. and how short i am in the Lord.. the light just kept coming and coming. but it was good. the light, i mean. being exposed to see that so much of my being is just.. i don't know.. not under Him.. and how important it is that we are consecrated to Him.. and there's much more to see.

Gomen Nasai.

I wish I wasn't so freaking confusing. And confused.

I'm hecka good at pro/con lists and that leads to ridiculous indecisiveness and pretty good at tricking myself and not so good at being clear... in short..... definitely complicated.

Wah. Feel like I need to apologize but am not sure???? BLAHHHHHHH.

You know the whole.. let yourself be exposed or whatever? I suck. lol. my mind goes on rapidfire.



Remove my covering Lord.. that I may see the light and be deceived.. no more..


how do you know when people have different inputs?

i guess i can go with what amy said................
i won't, unless it keeps bothering me.

heh. i still have that receipt in my backpack.

Companions.

i haven't the time to write, but i just wanted to say.. i'm so glad i have companions. i'm so glad that me and susan and carolina were so bummed after that one week and that after house meeting we decided to read together, and when asked how often we should read, carolina said, every day? honestly in my concept, i never would've thought of that, because everyone always does weekly appointments. but hey why not, we spend so much time doing other things, why not spend that time to get into the Bible with your sisters? like, duh. i'm glad that susan comes to our room and asks us if we're going to read today. and oftentimes, i feel like, meh? but i say yes anyways because i know i won't regret it. and i just appreciate that we can be together in the Bible.. it is so rich, and a lot of times when i get into it by myself, i miss so much, or it's so easy for me to just get into my mind.. it's so good to have the other sisters. to make things clear.. to pray.. to encourage. Emmeline's probably glad that i ask her more than once.. we all need that extra push at times.

anyhow, just wanted to post that. i've been wanting to talk about it but just never have. so yeah. this isn't that coherent but it'll do for now.

This is the day.. that the Lord has made..

You know when you say something really embarrassing and then you just want to melt into the floor? Yeah. Usually I'm not afraid to come across as an idiot, but I guess it's easier when you're on Telegraph street and no one even thinks ANYTHING is embarrassing. But anyway.. apparently I don't know how to spell embarrassing, according to Blogger.

I really liked what Sophia said,
Lord, mingle Yourself with me
Lord, make Your feeling my feeling.

It's true.. it's definitely a huge thing for the Lord to come into our emotions.. I find that I am so incredibly fickle and yet, I don't know ..

I rejoice because I can give myself to Him.

Oh, Sheri wanted me to blog about her. Teehee. Yes I write this as an afterthought, not because it really is one, but because I know she'll get a big head if I blog allllllllll about her. Just kidding. :) I love Sheri. She is obnoxious (her words) and is bad at comforting me (also her words). But that's okay, because she still loves me, except when I talk about her behind her back and do that thing, you know, that thing (her words.. true or not? she'll never know ;p )

I reallyyyyyyy miss my familia. It's weird, in high school I never thought I would. And the first year of college, I honestly didn't, that much. I guess the first year is still kinda exciting and what not. By the second year, college gets kinda old, as does studying. Speaking of studying.............

Encouraging

the mtg today was good !

i fell asleep in the first one and i was FREEZING and my stomach hurt reallyyyy bad.. so the entire time i was waitingggg for the meeting be over. literally. every ten seconds it was like.. omg when is this going to be over. so i went back home and took a nap. haha. and then went out with Esther to eat and then came back to second mtg.. which was super encouraging and a lot of people shared about their experiences with having "RSG" recovery study group? (bible study.. we live in an acronym world lol) and the gospel.. and.. i don't even remember.. oh yeah.. we need to be a gospel preaching church.. not a church preaching the gospel.. was that what it was? like, it has to be our living.. the gospel. ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. anyway. it totally made up for the fact that it is now 4:22pm and I got five hours of sleep last night.. well not counting the nap i took today.

thank You Father for qualifying me
thank you Spirit for empowering me

um.. i wrote stuff on my hands cause i didn't have my binder..
my memory is not so good (ESTHER can fill my lack haha!)
so i'll just copy down what i have on my hand for maybe when i go back and read this later.

in the Body.

consecration.
exercise for the essential
to get the economical

coming and going

repent and obey

steadfast prayer

meet and serve

companions !

Lord, I am willing.. to be made willing :P, work this out in me.

boba+linguistics+econ!

1 Peter 5:7

Casting all your cares on Him because He cares concerning you.

how do you pray about something that you feel like you can't pray for alone but aren't really sure you have the liberty to pray for with someone else?

is what i'm wondering..

i guess i'm just not clear. what do i do, Lord?

Lassie

What breed of dog are you? Haha. Sigh.

Ahh, I want a punching bag right now. >__<

Jenn's getting her bangs cut. Hehe. Cute.

My hair is so freaking greasy; I'm sure you all wanted to know...

Ummmmm. I really want to go home.

Hoorah for random, unconnected, thoughts.

I could complain some more but I won't cause .. this is a blog and I don't want to kill it, too much.

Tis His to lead me there, not mine, but His, at any cost dear Lord, by any road..

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Till God hath full fulfilled my deepest prayer

He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark

One thing I know I can not say Him nay
One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;
My God my glory here, from day to day
And in the glory there my great Reward.

Eye Bags

How come everyone else can notice how tired I look except for me?

I think I'm actually going to sleep before 3 tonight. Yay.

zZzZzZzZz....

Carolina: omgosh i love your soup
Emmeline: it's only 120 calories.
Susan: i love how that's the first thing you say

my companions are so ridiculous :)

And every hour in perfect peace..

I'll sing, "He knows, He knows"

I guess it's going to take awhile.

I'd rather walk in the dark with God
than go alone in the light
I'd rather walk by faith with Him
than go alone by sight

Easily swayed

it's kind of sad when everyone comes to you to ask for something else and not for YOU. i wish i wasn't so sensitive.


which reminds me .. how sad it must be for the Lord that a lot of times we come to Him for what He can do for us and give, rather than for the Lord Himself.

"Sometimes our anxieties are really just in our mind"

I just overheard Esther saying that just now. Oh, so true.

I half read Dyan's email, and what I did read was pretty encouraging.

The Lord knows who we are, understands us, and knows what we need. Sometimes we want the Lord to take care of us in a certain way, but He knows the best way.

Gita's sharing with me about her experience at the conference..
Christ is our freedom.

My neck is tense. :(

It's time to read chapters.

so my friend posted a quote that was like.. yeah.

"God is at work, even in the midst of the problems, pessimism, and frustrations of our day. He alone is sovereign- and that is why we can trust Him, even when the way seems dark." -Billy Graham

I guess when it seems like you're so inadequate.. to know you can trust Him.. to know that He is sovereign.. is so good.

Because in the end, He'll get He is after.

Divine anointing in me dwelleth

and it teaches me all things..



I really want to nap but I don't want to cause I know I need to do a lot of things, so instead I'm opening my blog up to write.

I'm going to have breakfast for all three meals today. *puke*

Grinding.

There I am in the morning, sleeping, grinding my teeth unconsciously in a state of I-don't-know-what. Poor Lina. Frankly, I need teeth guards, but more frankly, I want to say that I have some case of SAD, sad as in, social anxiety disorder, not sad as in boo-hoo sad. And that it comes out in my sleep. Or lack thereof? Just kidding. I do sleep.

I miss home and high school circles of friends. I know it's ridiculous, college is supposed to be where you move on to bigger and better things. It's just that I like comfort. I don't like feeling self-conscious, annoying, whatever other odd things I project on myself. Is it possible? I remember being much more confident then. Grace posted old pictures, some as old as junior high. And honestly, I look exactly the same. Exactly. Yeah, let's all point and laugh. I talked to Alan today and he said I've changed. What's that supposed to mean? I, in my pessimism, automatically think that he means in a bad way. He, in his ambiguity and esoteric-ness, successfully averts the repeated questionings and changes the subject. To what, I can't recall. What I do recall is then telling Grace, and her response, that maybe it's not good or bad. Oh, right, not everything is good or bad.

Carolina's laughing at me and Emmeline right now. I could hypercorrect and say Emme and I. Linguistics. Maybe it's Berkeley in general that makes me feel so, to bring back a loaded question answer to how hip are you on a scale of one to ten, negative pi. Emmeline on the other hand, definitely has a superiority complex, rating herself 13 point.. something, on a scale from 1-10. Everyone else knows how to follow directions. Go figure.

I miss home! Lately it's come to my attention that I am so lucky to have the family that I have. So I told my mom about how I feel here, which I forget what I said, and she said something about how it makes us more desperate to .. something about needing the Lord. Yeah. Which reminds me, I need to call her. I suck at keeping in touch with people now. I used to be so good about it, but this year, the expensive stamps are sitting in my drawer untouched.

I'm only blogging because Emmeline just recently made one. I never mean to write this much but it always ends up being like this. Yeah.

So a lot of times I'll be around people and I just feel, in general, bad. I don't know, it's like I have wall issues slash trust issues and that hasn't happened before and it's hard and annoying and tiresome. I guess I could psychoanalyze myself and try to figure out why, but I have a feeling that if I did that, I wouldn't be able to solve it, like Emmeline's new toy, the Rubik's cube. After the first layer it's shot.

So what? So I just wanted to ramble, without thinking about what I should do or what I shouldn't do, because that gives me a headache to think about. I'm already getting one just saying that.

So. I guess I can't say too much on here. I hate wondering.

Lord, here I am. Umm. Yeah. Most obviously, I need to see :P

ZzZz..

So tired. I'm ready for school to be over.

Why is mid-semester the time when everyone seems to be like, drama my llama? Fun fun fun. (now that daddy has the t-bird)

If I seemed annoyed, don't take it personally please. -_-

I miss wo de didi.

it wasn't always like this, was it?