What do you do

at this very moment when I think of..

just kidding. It's really sad how so many phrases trigger song lyrics from me. What I meant to say was, what do you do when there's something that comes up that bothers you and you can't just "forget about it" as people say? I'm one of those people who has to fight a virus to its death before i can have peace of mind. I mean that in a literal and figurative way. MEH. So I should probably sleep now because tommorow i'm waking up early to go visit Phil and Ruth while Phil works on Dyan's car.

Bah.. so right now.. I should read stats because I'm beginning to fall behind =( honestly I feel like doing nothing.. because being around people I'm not really close to means efforts to converse and the like, or whatever, and that becomes tiresome. I don't like that I'm like this.. but I can't help it either. Can't help what, that I somehow become the opposite of whatever I am around in any circumstance? Which might explain why I feel more comfortable around some people because we are essentially, not alike and there is no pressure to be? Why am I less annoyed with people that most people would be annoyed with, and more annoyed with people that no one would be annoyed with? Why is it that I can respond in a pleasant manner to the angry man at the gas station who's yelling that it's hot and beeping obnoxiously, but not to my mother or anyone who is simply one of the most pleasant people i know? bad grammar. I don't get it, and I don't like it either. What happens when you're singing a song and you totally don't mean it..
like..
not wishing I were different, knowing everything's the best?
like, why do I feel so awkward around people that are supposed to be my family? and so comfortable and ridiculous around people that i really, don't have much in common with after all? side note.. i miss grace! and how fast she picks up on my tired/sad voice and asks about it. what does it mean to be natural? does it even help to know? seriously, what's the point of getting a bunch of knowledge if it's not real to me in experience? it's just going to make me miserable, right. (ah, there's a reason for dropping out of school.)
ummmmmmmmmmmm. this is where we go.. esther you think too much.. but if not.. then what? it's a feel good line? :(

Complicato and scatterbrained. it's hard to write online. it's hard to write anywhere, really.

What do you do when you read something that you can't understand, or can not understand in a way that would make it make sense or reconcile with itself? What if you can't ask because it's not a big deal but it still bothers you? What if you know what they're going to say already anyway and it still doesn't help. What happens when you remember the negatives in what you read and not the positives? It makes me sad when people think I'm not taking them seriously because I laugh at unrelated things.. as if human interactions were a scene in a novel and I was analyzing it for an essay and picking out style because i do that a lot of times.

zZz.

have you ever been afraid to read something because you might not understand or might misunderstand and then you might be bothered by it?

how do i love someone i don't understand, is a mystery to me. On the one hand, I can still say Lord i love You..